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Rape and football: different games on opposite sides of the Atlantic

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Rape and football: different games on opposite sides of the Atlantic

In Better than Sex, Hunter S. Thompson opines that, like rape, politics is a hard habit to quit.


If you know what the term means, think of this as a ‘read-option’ post right now. Overall, this blog will be heavy on politics, so I’m going to use that promising (but possibly frightening) lead to riff into rape, rather than politics. Then, I’m gonna do a quick hook and lateral

and get into footbal.

The NFL will be very pleased that Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger, neither raped, nor has, so far, been accused of raping anyone in London this past week.

Ben Roethlisberger

Should Big Ben manage to escape England with his reputation for being a reformed rapist intact, he will have gotten off lucky, and it will be a sure sign that Fleet Street’s infamous wolf pack has been, at least temporarily, caged.


Big Ben has successfully sidestepped not one, but two, accusations of sexual assault. You can get a recap of those sordid tales here, if you’re so inclined, but I’m not going to comment on them because, although this missive has many missions, none of them include discussing the merits of the cases against Roethlisberger.

For the moment, being a Vikings fan, whom the Steelers just lost to at Wembley, I am satisfied that Big Ben is, in fact, a serial rapist who used his massive mountain of monies to keep his ass out of jail, where he belongs, and God punished him for his crimes on the field at Wembley a couple hours ago.

Brits who attended today’s game, without having a solid background in gridiron football, will have noticed that the Vikings brught their cheerleaders with them,

rah rah

but the Steelers did not. Why? Because the Steelers don’t have cheerleaders. Would you have that many bodacious girls bouncing around on the sideline if Big Ben was your quarterback?

Every year, since 2007, the NFL plays a single game at Wembley. This year, there will be a second, but I don’t care about that right now, so I’m gonna ignore it.


It is obvious that the league wants to build enough support to eventually place a franchise in London.  I think it will happen, and it won’t be long from now. However, we are not talking about expansion. Instead, the sad-sack Jacksonville Jaguars, who can’t even fill their stands by offering free beer, will be moved to London.


And, as was hinted at this week, when that announcement is made, so to will there be an announcement that the Super Bowl will be played at Wembley, in the not-too-distant future.

This is being pushed by bona fide heavyweights and there’s A LOT of money to be made.

Rupert Murdoch’s SKY TV broadcasts NFL games all across Bumblefuck every Sunday. Murdoch, of course, also owns FOX, which has a multi billion dollar contract to broadcast NFL games in Mairka.

It would be a smart move for the NFL. London can support an NFL franchise. Hell, the league must be considering giving two teams to London, at some point, setting up the fascinating possibility of a Super Bowl with no American teams.

Such a scenario would mean Wembley being filled to the rafters every  Sunday night of the 17 week NFL season. London would benefit from a weekly influx of ten thousand, or more, hungry, thirsty, fat Yanks waddling around with fistfuls of greenbacks.

Even London’s drug dealers would benefit, at least once every four years or so, when the Oakland Raiders pay their respects


With those kinds of big moves being arranged this past week in London,  the last thing the league needed was for Big Ben to lose his nut and fall back into his filthy habit.

Such a nightmare would likely lead to numerous news stories about the allegations that domestic abuse reports spike dramatically on Super Sundays.

wife beating

It would not matter a lick to the salivating Fleet Street wolf pack if those reports have been discounted. Never let the truth stand in the way of a good story, could be a mantra in London newsrooms (for the record, I am not supporting nor shooting down, the claim that more drunken male football fans beat the Hell out of their women on Super Sunday than on any other day).

Had the Steelers showed up in London to play a game in years past, prior to the Leveson Inquiry, the Fleet Street savages would have had Roethlisberger’s cellphone tapped before he arrived at Heathrow. They’d have pushed big-titted, empty-headed bimbos at Big Ben at every opportunity, and prayed, “C’mon, Ben. You don’t have to rape her, just shag her!”


And, who knows? that could well be the reason the Steelers didn’t land at Heathrow until Friday, whereas the Vikings – who, so far as I know, boast not a single rapist in their line-up – arrived on Tuesday, in order to get grounded six times zones east of Minneapolis.

If London already had an NFL franchise, and had Big Ben been its quarterback when the allegations of rape and sexual assault were made against him, Roethlisberger would not have survived the savaging he’d have gotten in the press.

The press corps would have hounded and cornered the quarterback. Starting with his dick, they’d have ripped the flesh from his bones like a swarm of piranha.


Or… maybe not. It is not beyond belief that those girls Ben is alleged to have raped/assaulted consented to whatever sex they had, and decided to go for the gusto.  Mairka is highly litigious, so the natural way to pursue a payday is in the courts. Thus, the girls have to yell “RAPE!”

But in Bumblefuck (Great Britain), girls have another option. Unlike Mairka, the UK tabloid newspapers pay good money for exclusive stories. So, instead of finding a lawyer and yelling “rape,” a girl can do the dirty, and then engage the likes of Max Clifford to sell their exclusive stories to the highest bidder. Clifford is the man you go see if you want to get your name into, or keep it out of, the newspapers in Bumblefuck.


Fuck and blab seemed to be a growth industry in the UK for a while. The most famous case involved Wayne Rooney, easily as big a star in Bumblefuck and Big Ben is in Mairka.

Rooney, apparently, was shagging a whore named Jeni.



Jeni, apparently, was not content with the 200 pounds per hour the ugly football/soccer player was shelling out for her services.  Juci Jeni could have accused Rooney of raping her, and made an attempt to extort him, with or without the involvement of the courts.

But Jeni’s not that kind of girl.

Instead, she sold her story to a tabloid (judging from the sour grapes tone of this Daily Mail piece, I assume the late but hardly lamented News Of the World outbid all others).

Once again, I want to emphasize that I am not passing judgment on the allegations against Big Ben. He may be a monster. He may be a reformed monster. He may be an innocent victim – let’s face it, such things must happen in litigation-happy Mairka (they could, in fact, be thought of as sorry variations on the fabled Mairkan Dream in these fucked up times).

For the last time, I am going to repeat that I don’t know the real story behind the allegations against Roethlisberger.

This much, however, I do know – anyone who falsely accuses someone of raping them is a much a monster as a rapist, and It’s a far far better thing to have someone reveal themselves for being a whore on the make for a quick and hopefully BIG payday, than having an innocent man brought low by an extortion campaign.

These are minor considerations in the big scheme of landing an NFL franchise in London, but, if it happens, those involved should be aware of the cultural differences between Bumblefuck and Mairka.


About zilla

i was born with skates on. i have three thumbs. i often wish i was a penguin. but i don't like fish, so maybe not.

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