Vladimir Putin must surely have laughed when he first heard of an offer made to him by Greenpeace International’s Kumi Naidoo. The offer got to Putin long before the letter it was made in, and when it did Putin shook his head, smiled, and said, “Damn! These mofos are good!”
Naidoo asked Putin to releases 28 Greenpeace activists and two journalists who were arrested on September 18 and are being charged with piracy. Naidoo offered himself in exchange. The odds of Putin accepting the offer are exactly sweet fuck all. But it had to be made because Greenpeace cannot afford to let this story die. If they drop the ball on this one, the Russians are vile enough to convict the 30 and give them long sentences.
The arrests took place when the Greenpeace ship Arctic Sunrise
dispatched crew members to climb a Russian oil drilling rig in the Arctic Ocean and hang a banner – perhaps something to the effect of:
Putin himself has admitted that piracy charges are ludicrous, “Obviously, they are not pirates,” he declared before the world. And, if he wanted to, Putin could quash the charges with a flick of his mighty wrists.
Putin is not ordering the release of his prisoners because he doesn’t want Greenpeace fucking his shit up. Putin is not the first fool to fuck with Greenpeace but he is the most megalomaniacal and dealing with this foolish megalomaniac is gonna be tricky, even for Greenpeace’s masters of media manipulation.
Naidoo’s offer is both disingenuous and ingenious. By offering to take the place of the 30, Naidoo has painted them not as prisoners, but as hostages. It’s the kind of heroic ploy you see in bad Hollywood dramas all the time – the heroic cop says, “Take me,” and let those innocent hostages go.
Putin’s not gonna take that bait, nor is he ready to instruct his minions to drop the absurd piracy charges, His return volley was to let it be known that narcotics were found on the Arctic Sunrise, which has been seized. The idea that someone aboard the Arctic Sunrise has a stash of weed surprises no one, of course, but nor is it beyond belief that the Russians are full of shit, and there were no drugs on board.
Putin, who is no fool (yeah, yeah, I know what I just said), has now painted his hostages as a bunch of dirty hippies. Nice one, Vlad. Touche.
My suggestion to Greenpeace is to ask Bono
to offer himself in exchange for the 30 hostages, and get Justin Trudeau
to claim that he Fed-Exed the weed to the two Canadian crew members (now hostages) as a token (get it? TOKEn) of his support for their righteous mission before they shipped out.
This is a compelling story, but it would be funnier if I could get Putin, Greenpeace and Fed-Ex to hire me as a propaganda consultant, don’t you think? 🙂