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Microsoft application

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fatzilla

This may well be, at the same time, the most bizarre and compelling job application you will ever read.

I’m going to open this overture in a manner that may tempt you to hit the delete button before you get to the next paragraph. I’m a little bothered by the idea that you demand access to my Google account in order to apply for this position. You will likely have noticed that I have no information at all for you in this particular account, because I have opened a completely new account in order to preclude any intrusions into my privacy. I would think that, in the post-Snowden world, an organization like Microsoft would understand that people are not inclined to willingly submit to Big Brother’s persistent intrusions. If you want to know what’s in my Google account, or FB etc. etc. accounts, I suggest you check with the NSA. If you want to know something about me, feel free to ask. Chances are that I already have the answer written, because I am a writer who writes a good deal about himself. Now, having taken care of that little bit of nasty business, let me explain why you really do want to give serious consideration to hiring me, if, that is, you have not banished me to the great recycling bin.

If you are, indeed, inclined to continue reading, please do so with this one caveat: I am well aware that you will receive hundreds, if not thousands, of applications, many of them from individuals who have more impressive credentials than my good self. So, in an attempt to claw my way on to a short-list, I am going to make it very obvious that I am an applicant like no other. I hope that you will, at the very least, find my effort entertaining, and I thank you in advance, for your time and consideration.

****

In your posting, you state, “We are looking for a seasoned storyteller,” whose job it will be, “to craft an enthralling character-driven story.”

I am a seasoned story-teller. My life has always been, and continues to be, an enthralling, character-driven story. In my (not always so) humble opinion, the fact that I have lead a life less ordinary should be factored into your consideration of the merits of my application.

Why? Because I can add a totally unique lifetime of action, adventure, drama, comedy and wisdom to your team. I have done a lot of interesting stuff. In the process, I have learned things that could not be learned from any source of secondhand, speculative information. If you make me a member of your story building team, I will bring with me everything that I have learned, from all that I have done.

You want a resume filled with action, adventure and drama?

More?

Brian and I in Buda Bar

Want some laughs?

****

Your job posting also states that the writer you are looking for will be able to, “Create a cast of distinctive, engaging, and imperfect characters that players love (or love to hate).” Well good golly, Miss Molly, can I create characters?!

How about charismatic anti-heroes, enigmatic hybrid amalgams of Johnny Rotten, Tyler Durden, George Carlin, Angela Davis and Gandhi? Does that kind of thing work for you?

From my novella RIFF AND RAFF STOP THE WAR:

  • Riff – is a smart-assed, rebellious 15 year old white boy who plays guitar like Slash (riff, get it?)
  • Raff – Riff’s revolting partner, a 15 year old black girl, is an artist (Raff being short for Raphael, although her art is closer to Banksy’s than her name sake’s)
  • BeanO – Riff’s father, a boozy, cowardly clown who can fart laughing gas when he’s scared
  • Mimi Money – Raff’s narcissistic nemesis is the rotten apple of Riff’s eye
  • Mr. Money – Mimi’s multi-millionaire father, the owner of Wicked Weapons of War (WWoW!), is out to start a world war so that he will become the richest and most powerful man on the planet (mwahahaha!), even if it makes him the last man on the planet

From my screenplay KILL ALL THE LAWYERS:

  • Pablo Fiasco – the scandalous and sexually depraved artist/entrepreneur (who, interestingly, made part of his fortune by creating the world’s most infamous video game) heeds Shakespeare’s sage advice before setting out on a mission to fulfill the promise of justice for all
  • Jane Baker – a young, ambitious, corrupt and gorgeous public prosecutor who covets the throne of the Mayor of New York, is out to get Pablo, one way or another
  • Pius Akecheta – Jane’s kinda partner, a conflicted-Catholic Mohawk indian, is a Captain in the NYPD’s homicide division who wants everyone to go back to where they came from – “back to Europe, back to Africa, back to Mexico, back to Israel, back to Asia….”

I can introduce you to many more of my children, or tell you more about the above, but I think these quick capsules should suffice for now, yeah?

****

You’re looking for someone who can, “Define a compelling story that takes the player on a hero’s journey, with a keen eye to story structure and pacing.” Yeah, I can do that.

In fact, that’s exactly what I’ve done in the two stories referenced above. I used Bohemian Rhapsody as a kind of instrument panel for the pacing of both yarns, which thunder along, screeching around hairpin turns, screaming down lose-your-stomach hills, storming up steep inclines, and scorching across prairie-flat straightaways, all the while laughing maniacally and howling hysterically like a gas-huffing hyena with six adrenal glands and no idea what fear is. Naturally, I understand that not even Evil Knievel could maintain that kind of pace forever, with or without performance enhancing stimulants, so I also slow it down enough for readers to marvel at the madness of it all – Yes, Scaramouch, I will do the fandango! (are you, per chance, feeling a bit thirsty? You wanna go for a cold one right now? Go ahead, I understand – I’ve been told, more than once, that my writing makes people want to drink. You can take me with you; I’m a lot of fun to drink with, especially if you’re buying).

I can, and happily will, do all the other things you’ve listed under responsibilities. However, right in the middle of this head-scratcher of an application, just as you’re starting to think, “This guy’s so strange he just might be the one,” I trip and fall flat on my face as soon as I hit the Requirements section.

I haven’t played a video game since the late 70s, when I was madly in love with the raven-haired manx named Lee Ann Rogerson who worked at the arcade.  If it means anything to you, I consistently owned high score on Galaga, which, tragically, only got me as far as first base with Lee Ann 😦

But, listen, if Elton John offered to write some music for your game, would you turn him down because he’s not a gamer?

Seriously, I can wrap my head around gaming very quickly. At the risk of sounding flippant, I don’t think this is a challenge that is akin to deciphering the Sumerian Tablets. Doubt I can pull it off? Twelve years ago, with no help from a lawyer, I developed such a keen understanding of extremely complex constitutional law that I damn near got a BC Supreme Court Justice to stop and in-progress election – “[17] Were it not for the admonition of the Supreme Court of Canada, I might well have granted the injunction in this case. However, taking the law as it is following Harper, I do not think it is open to me to grant the injunction.”

Not only did I do that in less than a month, I presented my case, “dressed in a green cape, white longjohns, green glitter boots with a five- centimetre heel and a toilet paper roll strapped to his head” (Vancouver Sun, May 11, 2001, A12).

Honestly, is it absolutely fundamental to have an encyclopedic understanding of gaming to create a sublime story? Isn’t that just a little too exclusive? What does it matter that I spend my recreation time reading books, rather than playing video games? And, remember please, bookworms were geeks long before all you techies took that title.

No, I am not a gamer. I am not a member of that, or any other tribe. But I can fuckin’ eh tell a Hell of a story. If you doubt the veracity of that assertion, I beg you ponder how it’s come to be that you are still reading this nonsense, instead of getting on to other applications. (just in case you’re wondering – no, there’s no need for a question mark at the end of that sentence).

That’s it. No shit, that’s it.

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About zilla

i was born with skates on. i have three thumbs. i often wish i was a penguin. but i don't like fish, so maybe not.

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