One day from today, Canada will have not one, but two fat, belligerent, drunken, crackhead mayors – Rob Ford and ME!
Vancouver goes to the polls on November 15, 2014 and Crackzilla will be on the mayoral ballot because one fat, belligerent, drunken, crackhead mayor is not enough for Canada.
It won’t be easy, and I probably won’t like it, but it is abundantly clear that Canada is infatuated with fat, belligerent, drunken, crackhead politicos, so I am willing to start smoking crack again, balloon up to 350 pounds and park my massive ass on the throne of the Mayor of Vancouver.
My fat ass should have been parked on that throne since 1993 (the first time I ran for the office), but Canada was not yet ready for a fat, belligerent, drunken, crackhead mayor back then.
Anyone who knows anything about being a crackhead knows that it’s hard to gain weight, or keep it on, when you’re on the pipe. So, I’ve struck a deal with my old friends at McDonald’s and they have agreed to open a 24/7 restaurant at the corner of Main and Hastings just for me.
During the campaign period, I will hold court there 24/7, inhaling tray-loads of Big Macs, swilling gallons of Coke, sucking on a glass pipe and pontificating like Brando in Apocalypse Now
The horror. The horror.
Keeping with the Apocalypse Now beat, and given that my HQ will be a Mickey D’s, I suppose it would be right for me to ask my Vietnamese lawyers, Phuk Yu and Gno Phuk Yu, to come down and slaughter a cow to kick off the campaign. You know, for good luck. And free burgers for the kids!
And don’t be sending any errand boy around to tell me that I have gone totally insane and that my methods are unsound.
But if you do, God almighty help the kid if he says, in a bad Captain Kirk imitation, “I don’t see… any method… at all.”
In exchange for their help, I’ve agreed to change my name back to Ronald Fucking McDonald and campaign in costume
I have also signed a deal with McDonald’s to make the new location a new Skytrain hub. From the mew Pain and Wastings Station a spur line will run down to Waterfront Station. And the new Robin Hood line will start at Pain and Wastings and run through False Creek, up into crème de la crème land (Shaugnessy, Kerrisdale, Dunbar, Southlands), with stations at every private school in the area.
That’s not much of a platform (but it’s already better than anything Gregor will come up with), so I’m gonna promise Vancouverites the one thing they want more than anything else in the world – the Stanley Cup
Y’all know that y’ain’t never gonna win the cup with Bobby Lu between the pipes
Okay, I’ve made that point.
So, after I win the election, I’m gonna keep jamming that toxic McDonald’s sludge down my cakehole until I’m 800 pounds
I’ll be so fuckin’ fat that I’ll make NFL linemen and sumo wrestlers look like Kate fuckin’ Moss
Then I’m putting on the pads and getting between the pipes for the ‘nucks
And don’t tell me fat guys don’t make good goalies because they’re not flexible – let’s see you do this
I think you’ll forgive me if I stop smoking crack a couple weeks before the payoffs start, ’cause it’s kinda hard to stop a shot when you’re crawling around on your hands and knees looking for a little white rock, which is impossible to find on ice, especially WHEN IT’S NOT THERE!
Seriously, dude, it’s not there. There’s no rock down there. You smoked it all!
There you have it, Vancouver. You, too, can have yourselves a fat, belligerent, drunken, crackhead mayor is 365 days – all ya gots to do is jump on the Crackzilla 2014 bandwagon.
SHARE the joy, kids. SHARE the joy.