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Fuck your solutions, Salmi; we prefer problems

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About 15 years ago, a friend and I were going to start a consultancy and bill ourselves as future dilemma rectification technicians. We would tell potential clients that we could see around corners and solve their problems before they became problems. The problem with that particular plan was that I was developing a motherfucker of a drinking problem at the time as I tried to figure out why I was so crushed by a girl who should not have been able to crush me. I remember staggering out the door the morning she dumped me and laughing, “I’ve been rejected by a mortal?”

no problem

But that’s a tale that’s been told before and for the purposes of this post it’s nothing more than a hooky lead, so I’m gonna proceed and get to the purpose of this post, which is to discuss my penchant for trying to solve problems.

A couple months back I started harping on about a problem that redskins have with football teams that use the nickname Redskins.

redskins protest

My first post can be found here and subsequent posts on the subject can be found by clicking the small fast forward tabs above and to the right of the headline.

After I’d finished my tirades, a friend brought my attention to an interesting essay on the topic written by an indian /  native Mairkan / whatever you wanna call them. Writer dude is a lawyer. I beat back my instinct to write him off and read his piece.

forked tongue

Interesting enough.  I didn’t agree with everything he wrote but he was fairly articulate and that’s enough to make a favourable impression in a world filled with people who do not have any talent when it comes to meshing words with thoughts.

The friend who alerted me to the indian lawyer’s existence informed me that he had, in the past, communicated with the man, and assured me that he was a fine fellow.


My friend asked if I wanted him to bring my polemical series  to the attention of his Twitter buddy. I hesitated only because the essayist had made it clear in his essay that whitey should shut the fuck up and let the redmen deal with this issue in their own way and time.


I thought that was a bullshit attitude and still do. I informed my friend that I had given the matter a great deal of consideration and had come up with a solution to the problem. My friend convinced me that the lawyer would be interested in hearing what I had to offer in the way of a solution to this ongoing brouhaha. I was doubtful – the guy is a lawyer, after all – but I relented and said, “Go ahead. Introduce us, if you want.”


I heard nothing  further from my friend, nor did I hear from the man without a plan.

no plan

Being an enterprising devil who is always on the hunt for a big kill, I decided to track down the redskin myself, and ask if he wanted to pow-wow. I fired off an email to him and made it very clear that my solution could generate a good deal of additional revenue for all parties involved: the Washington Redskins, the Indians who have taken the team to court in an attempt to strip the team of its intellectual property claims/ rights / protection to the name Redskins, himself, and most importantly, myself.

I heard nothing back from him. A lawyer turning down an opportunity to rack up billable hours? I must have gotten a wrong email address.

The lawyer didn’t seem to have a website of his own. I found him through a Washington state lawyer referral service (he practices in Seattle). I dug around a little bit more and discovered that he is also a first time author. His book is either about to be launched or recently has been.

book sale

So I contacted his publisher, explained the situation and asked if she would be kind enough to contact the man and ask him if he’d be gracious enough to parlez with me. The publisher assured me that she would be happy to do so.

I heard nothing from the lawyer. I asked the publisher if she would be so kind as to ask her author, one more time, if he would be a good enough man communicate with me, or a big enough man to at least tell me – “Go fuck yourself, pale face.”

Silence. Nothing but silence.

Loud and clear – “Fuck you and your solutions, Salmi; we prefer problems.”

To which I reply

Bet you thought you had it all worked out
Bet you thought you knew what I was about
Bet you thought you’d solved all your problems
But you are the problem
Problem problem
Problem the problem is you
What you gonna do with your problem
I’ll leave it to you
Problem the problem is you



About zilla

i was born with skates on. i have three thumbs. i often wish i was a penguin. but i don't like fish, so maybe not.

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