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Mathias Rust to captain Greenpeace ship FREE PUSSY RIOT as it sails out of Russia

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Having made his point that pissant pussies like Greenpeace should not fuck with a big man like him, Vladimir Putin

putin

is starting to wrap up his high Arctic hostage taking of citizens of ten countries , plus two of his own subjects – see my original post here.

Of the 28 Greenpeace activists and two reporters who were taken hostage by Putin’s minions two months ago, only one, an Australian, remains in custody.

A United Nations tribunal on the law of the sea has ordered Russia to release the Greenpeace ship Arctic Sunrise on a $5 million bond. The Russians have told the boys and girls in the baby blue berets to go fuck themselves.

The tribunal, based in Hamburg, Germany, ruled that the fuck-shit-uppers were in international waters when the Russian pirates boarded their vessel and took its crew, and guests, hostage.

The rainbow warriors had attempted to scale a Russian drilling platform in the Arctic

gp as

and hang a banner that read, “STOP FUCKING YOUR MOTHER, YOU FUCKIN’G MOTHERFUCKERS!”

The Russian authorities originally charged the Greenpeacers with piracy, a charge so ludicrous that even Putin said it was absurd. The piracy charges were later replaced by equally absurd accusations of hooliganism

hooligans

a charge most often reserved for violent football retards who cut the ears off the fat heads of violent football retards who cheer for the other team.

Despite the fact that the Kremlin has told the UN to get fucked, Putin will stuff the $5 million into his man-purse, and release the Arctic Sunrise. The Russians will also allow the released hostages to leave the country well before the Sochi Olympics begin on February 7. This has, after all, been a shakedown all along.

extortion

None of the hostages will ever return to Russia to face a Soviet style, kangaroo court show trial. Greenpeace will  forfeit the $5 million, which they will more than recoup with a fundraising campaign fueled by the publicity they will get from their glorious exit from the CCCP.

My people in Greenpeace have told me that the organization has already applied to change the name of the ship, which is registered in Holland, to FREE PUSSY RIOT.

The Dutch authorities, who have been waging a flame war with he homo-hating Soviets over gay rights, laughed their asses off when they got the request and instantly green lighted it.

Mathias Rust will  be named Captain of FREE PUSSY RIOT.

Rust is famous for landing a small plane in the middle of Red Square on May 28, 1987.

rust

The ballsy, 19 year old West German said he plotted and pulled off the most amazing prank ever because he was pissed that Reagan and Gorbachev made no headway on disarmament talks during their summit in Iceland, the previous year.

Rust said he wanted to give some advice to Gorbachev. Gorbachev used the farce as an excuse to fire Red Army hardliners who opposed his reforms, reasoning that if they were incapable of defending Mother Russia and her colonies from a pimply-faced kid in a Cessna, they were not fit for the job of defending it from Tom Cruise in his F-14A Tomcat.

cruise

Rust is still pissed that Gorbachev used his heroics to his advantage but never once came to see him while he served a 14 month stint in the gulag archipelago. “I’ve still got a hate-on for the Russians for that bullshit, and I will be more than overjoyed to Captain FREE PUSSY RIOT as she heads for freedom.”

Greenpeace is currently interviewing for an all gay crew that will be with Captain Rust on this extraordinary mission. My Greenpeace sources tell me that the entire crew will strip naked on the deck of FREE PUSSY RIOT, sing the Village People classic In the Navy

while urging Putin

gay putin

to, “Lick us where we shit, you fudge-packing fascist closet case cocksucker!” as they steam out of St. Petersburg.

 

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About zilla

i was born with skates on. i have three thumbs. i often wish i was a penguin. but i don't like fish, so maybe not.

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