(clears throat) Ahem
Good sir, dear friend, if there is any hope for you, it is rooted in the game changing case Strauder v. West Virginia.
The case, decided by the Supreme Court of the United States over a century ago, enshrined the right of the accused to be tried before a jury of his peers. I don’t think you have many peers in this world, but let’s take a look around.
Le us begin the search for your peers with your name.
Dread: short for dreadlocks, a hairstyle sported by filthy hippies and Rastafarians,
all of whom smoke pot religiously (literally, in the case of Rastas).
Pirate: we all know what a pirate is.
Even if the definition of a pirate could be widened to include baseball players,
Doc Ellis is the only one who could legitimately claim to b your peer.
With a jury of your true peers, the powers-that-be are not gonna get a conviction, not even if they manage to convince Saul Goodman
and Captain Kirk
to give up their lucrative private practices and join the DA’s office for the trial.
If OJ Simpson
and the Rodney King cops
can got off, so can you, Dread Pirate Roberts.
The Rodney King cops got off because they got a jury of their peers
OJ got off because he had the money to buy the best defense team imaginable. Those lawyers were so good they even convinced OJ that he didn’t kill his wife
You, too, can afford the best legal representation you can get. But the dirty bastards are surely trying to get you to reveal where your bitcoin booty is stashed
in exchange for shaving a couple months off the 20 non-concurrent life sentences they’re planning for you. Don’t do it.
The only person you should entrust with your stash of pirate booty is me.
Seriously. You can trust me, I’m a
doctor... a l wayer… a Rhino!
I am the best jailhouse lawyer in the world. Says so right here. I have dragged eLIZARDbeth,
Queen of the Shape-shifting Reptilians from the 4th Dimension, into a court of law and strangled her, and her team of $8000 per hour lawyers, into a stalemate
I will school you so well that you will laughingly wave your right to plead the 5th and mock your persecuting attorneys
You, brave sir, make the best Dread Pirate Roberts in the world, and you must be free,
because Rhino pirates,
like you and me, will rule the world, and make it right.
A small retainer of 1000 bitcoins will be required to secure my services. Your retainer can b sent to
My learned friends, who have just been called to the bar,
and I, thistily await the arrival of our deposit.
We urge you, DON’T DELAY, RETAIN TODAY, because we’re piston broke
errr, hic… that should read pissed and broke.