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Love school

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loce school

another in an ongoing series of personal stories which prove that people who say they want ‘outside the box’ thinking usually do not. and that people prefer problems to solutions. others in the series can be found here and scroll down past this piece

Last Friday I made a romantic post on my Facebook page and tagged Marina. Knowing that she does not access Facebook when at work, I wrote that her work colleague, a Belgian libertarian, would likely find the post before my wife would and bring it to her attention.

The Belgian LIKED my post and then attempted to hijack the nascent thread for the sake of spreading libertarian propaganda. I jokingly chided the libertarian for being so uncouth as to attempt to hijack my romantic post with his preferred flavour of political dogma. He apologized and retorted that he was only trying to educate my (apparently ignorant) ass.

I replied thus:

There’s an old saying – all ISms are WASms

I’ve read miles of political philosophy. none of it made me any happier. None of it enriched my life.

You know what has made me happy? What has enriched my life?


What people who fixate on ideologies fail to comprehend is that it doesn’t matter what WASm is en vogue because humans are fucked up and some asshole will ruin it for all.

It will always be that way until humans evolve to embrace the capacity they have for loving one another.

The Belgian said my words were “beautiful” … and then continued on with the indoctrination.  So it goes with ideologues.

I have a simple to live by life philosophy:

Know the difference between right and wrong and govern yourself accordingly

Don’t do things you’re ashamed of.

Constantly strive to minimize  your hypocrisies. 

That third commandment of mine compels me to do something I probably should have gotten around to some time ago – writing about love.

In an effort to demonstrate that I have not always been a hypocrite who has preached love but done precious little to spread it around, I am going to share two stories with you. I promise to make a somewhat serious attempt to share what I know, or think I know, about love on a semi regular basis.

As it happens, these first two love stories  intersect perfectly with another theme I have been on about of late, namely that people fear creativity, no matter what they say to the contrary, and prefer problems to solutions.

I am going to break with my policy and allow comments on all love posts.

A client of mine left a financially rewarding but soul-sucking career to follow her dream of being a professional love monger. She had had remarkable success in pairing friends and acquaintances and wanted to turn pro. She engaged me for my wordsmithery but we soon started pondering how she could elevate herself above her competitors.

My suggestion was to market her dating service as a Love School. Leo Buscaglia offered love classes at UCLA in the 70s.  I took his idea, expanded upon it and tailored it for the lovelorn of the 21st century.

Here is an abridged version of what I came up with for the client, who, after much discussion and research, passed:



With the possible exception of the ultra pious and madmen, every human wants to love and be loved.

Aside from the absolute basic necessities – food, water, oxygen and shelter/clothing – there is nothing more vital to human life than love.  Sadly, many people spend so much of their life energy securing those basic necessities that they don’t have, or won’t make the time to find true love. Many of those people turn to dating services but not one of the companies providing introductions to potential mates has grasped the obvious. We have.


Like everything else in life, love must be learned. We must learn how to love, and how to let others love us. Just as great athletes, artists, doctors, business people etc. etc. must learn their crafts to excel at them, we must learn how to love to excel at giving and receiving love.

In order to help the lovelorn find love, CLIENT COMPANY NAME EXPUNGED will help the lovelorn first learn love, in the world’s first LOVE SCHOOL.

Student Body

Just as some people are born with great natural talent for the arts, business, science or sports, some people are born with a greater ability to love. Elite schools screen potential students for aptitude, and so it will be with LOVE SCHOOL.

An ideal LOVE SCHOOL student will have a high degree of emotional intelligence, and be an excellent communicator. Individuals with these traits will have a greater chance of finding true love if they are exposed to each other.


Academics have rarely attempted to study love. That work has, for the most part, been left to artists. Poets, musicians, writers, film makers and philosophers have filled the void left by academia, and LOVE SCHOOL will rely on the work of artists as the foundation of its curriculum.

Perhaps more importantly, LOVE SCHOOL students will share what they know about love with each other.

There will be no tests, or written assignments, in LOVE SCHOOL Discussion – open, honest and hopefully sometimes amusing discussion – is what LOVE SCHOOL is all about.

A LOVE SCHOOL graduation ceremony will be a wedding.


Like any other personalized introduction service, CLIENT COMPANY NAME EXPUNGED will provide one-on-one introductions.

But LOVE SCHOOL students will also have no less than sixteen opportunities per month to meet and get to know dozens and dozens of their fellow students.

  • Once per month a group of 50 students will gather for something we call jaw-jaw. The class will be divided into 5 groups of ten. Quotes about love, for instance, “A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him,” will be read and students will discuss it. Students will be welcome to change tables throughout the evening
  • Once per month a group of 50 students will gather to listen to and discuss their favourite love songs. So, one student introduces Just the Way You Are (Billy Joel), plays the song and tellS fellow students why she loves the song. Students discuss the song. Another student, another song
  • Once per month all students will gather for a night of love song karaoke. Songs can be from any genre of music, and can be songs of love or of heartbreak
  • Once per week all students will gather to watch a great romance movie, be it Casablanca, Moulin Rouge or any other. When a student indicates a desire to attend this class, he will be put into a group of 5 of 7 other students. The group can arrange to meet up prior to the screening and/or go out together after the film.
  • Once per month all students will gather for a gala ball called Sinderella. Fairy Godmothers will provide introductions between students. Live performances by professional artists will be short but brilliant. Décor and effects will be spectacular.
  • All students will be notified about the multitudinous walking tours that are available in London and the surrounding country side on Saturdays and Sundays. A student can indicate that she intends to attend one of the tours and invite other students t join her.
  • The LOVE SCHOOL site will have an open forum in which faculty and students will post their thoughts and share links to articles and videos about love


So far as we know, nothing like this has ever been attempted. It is, to put it mildly, an extremely compelling story for the media.

An exhaustive media outreach campaign will be conducted. Newspapers, TV and radio stations, and significant online media offices will be visited in person by LOVE SCHOOL representatives and pitched.

Editors will be given an 8gb data stick containing the story, including possible sidebar angles, and irresistible art work.

CLIENT will be trained in how to handle the media.

An extensive social media effort, including LOVE SCHOOLs own Youtube channel will be conducted.


Online applications will ask potential students a number of simple questions – name, age, occupation, date of birth etc – and ask them to tell us, in writing or in a video, why they want to be a LOVE SCHOOL student. A ten pound fee is attached to the application form.

Faculty will assess all applications and invite all those deemed likely candidates for membership to a one hour interview. A one hundred pound interview fee is attached.

Faculty will select one thousand students and invite them to attend LOVE SCHOOL. A one thousand pound enrollment fee is attached and tuition will cost each student two hundred and fifty pounds per month.

Students will get discounts at restaurants, spas, gyms, galleries, museums, weekend get-aways ertc.


Pity she passed. Pity I lack what it takes to make this one come true.


About zilla

i was born with skates on. i have three thumbs. i often wish i was a penguin. but i don't like fish, so maybe not.

3 responses »

  1. The libertarian didn’t apologize. He was just disappointed to see you confusing “libertarian” with “libertine”!!!…
    But the libertarian loves you still, Salmi!

  2. Come on…


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