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Gold or Greenland

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canadian gold




A Petition to:

Team Canada, Prime Minister Stephen Harper, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth

To the fortunate and fabulous 25, who:

while doing battle with the infidels of the hockey world, between February 17 and February 23, 2014

will have the unparalleled honour of wearing the maple leaf

whose duty it will be to vanquish said infidels and dispatch them back from whence they came

on sharpened blades, with crooked sticks in their hands and fear in their hearts

in pursuit of Canadian gold:

We, the undersigned citizens of Canada, beseech thee do whatever thee must

even if it means resorting to old-school Bobby Clarke/Mark Messier hockey,

to maintain Canada’s honour by capturing the Gold Medal in the Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics

To you

who have so much

please understand that we

your humble, fellow Canadians who have so little

some of whom have only hockey

will revere you as nothing less than Gods 


not if, but when

you crush whatever ragtag band of limp-wristed ankle-skaters

from whatever nation of hockey pretenders

earns the misfortune of facing off against you

and us

for Gold.

Understand, please, all of you

that when you win the Gold we will mount a campaign

the likes of which has never before been seen in the history of politics

to have Her Majesty’s Government in Ottawa bestow upon you the following rightful honours:

  • your hometowns will be renamed for your God-like selves
  • like Her Majesty herself, you will enjoy complete immunity, for life, from prosecution for any crimes you desire to commit, up to and including double parking
  • the long longed-for national holiday in February will be granted; every February 23 Canadians will gather to consume copious quantities of frothy beverages and sing folk songs about your glorious victory
  • all frothy beverages consumed on that national holiday shall, by law, come from purpose-built 26 packs, and each bottle shall bear the image and name of one of you, with the 26th bottle bearing the image and name of coach Babcock
  • the holiday shall be named for whomsoever scoreth the winning goal
  • whomsoever gaurdeth the net on that fateful day shall become Prime Minister, for the day, every February 23
  • should that tender of the goal achieve a shutout on that immortal day, he shall also hold the post of Prime Minister every February 29

Any Member of Parliament foolish enough to attempt to resist our desires by not agreeing to the above demands shall be chased into the Rideau Canal where they will spend the rest of their days incessantly groveling for clemency for their heresy.

However, we also beseech thee listen and understand that

should you fail in Sochi

your family members will be forced to change their names

and you will be striped of Canadian citizenship

and banished to Greenland

where you will live out your tenure on this mortal coil

residing in igloos

subsisting off raw walrus meat and husky cheese

repelling attacks from polar bears and reindeer

and playing bandy against the Eskimos..

Just so you know where we stand.

Now… go get ‘em, guys!


About zilla

i was born with skates on. i have three thumbs. i often wish i was a penguin. but i don't like fish, so maybe not.

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