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Hunting vampires in the Yukon part 5

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“I’m the leader of the Canadian cell of a loose collection known as Mirth First,” I confessed to Brian something or other.

Mirth First?”

“Mirth First.”

“Not Earth First?”


“Not Earth First.”

“That’s good, ’cause we’re Earth rapers up here.”

“I am aware of that.”

Mirth First?”

Mirth First”

“No compromise in the defense of… ”

“Our right to party. We’re fun-archists”

“Fun-archists? Mirth First. Excellent! Kinda like Clowns Without Borders?”


“We are great admirers. We hope it’s mutual.”

“And you’re all vampires? Happy vampires?”

“No. We’ve come here to protect you from vampires.”

“The vampires are coming?”

“All of them.”

All of them?”

“On December 21st.”


“That’s the shortest day of the year. Least amount of daylight.”

“I know that, but why Dawson?”

“They’re starving.”

“You don’t say.”

“I do say. They’re dying off. People in the Old World  have pretty much immunized themselves against them.  They’re desperate. You’re ignorant. Unsuspecting.”

“Drunk and oblivious!”

“So it would seem.”

“How do you know all this?”

“We captured two of them.”

“Two vampires.”

“Advance scouts. They told all.”


“Not exactly.”

“How do you torture vampires?”

“Make them watch the Twilight saga.”

“It’s 2004. The first Twilight film doesn’t come out for another four years. I don’t think the books have eve been published yet.”

“We can time travel.”

“Well then, why don’t you… ”

“Shut up. Do you wanna hear the story, or not?”

“Got any drugs?”

“No. You?”

“No, but I know where to get some blow.”

“The only similarity between Yukon blow and the real shit is that it makes your dick don’t work. I’ll have to be pretty fucking drunk before I spend any money on that shit.”

“Does anyone else know about this?”

“That Yukon coke sucks?”

“No. About the vampires.”

“By now, the whole town knows. I pitched it at the town haller tonight.”

“Fuck off! Wait. What do you mean, ‘pitched it?'”

“Pitched. As an economic development idea. To draw tourists here over the Christmas holidays.”

“Oh, this I gotta hear. Tell me! Wait. Are we getting some coke, or not?”

“I’m not going anywhere near that shit until I’m DRUNK.”

“Might be too late to get it then.”

“It’s not even midnight.”

“It’s a school night.”

“Your dealer is in high school?”

“Yeah. Still a minor. Plans to me a millionaire before he’s old enough to get hard time as an adult if he gets busted.”

“That’s impressive. Smart. Good to see someone up here has some ambition. But I’ve done that shit. It’s awful. Kid must be the dentist’s son.”

“Gonna be Premier, one day.”

“How much?”

“$140 a gram. $350 for an 8 ball.”

“Get fucked!” We’ll have to cook a whole 8 ball just to get high.”

“Can you cook?”

“Can’t you?”

“Of course I can.”

“That’s what I figured. Got a pipe?”

“Does the Pope shit in the woods?”

pope shit

“No. I’m not gonna get nailed for contributing to the delinquency of a minor.”

“I’ll buy. I just got paid.”

“Then, technically speaking, I would not be contributing to the delinquency of a minor.”

“Not unless he brings his sister with him and rents her out to us for the night.”

“How old is she?”

“I’m just fucking with you. He doesn’t even have a sister. But if he did, he’d be pimping her.” Brain got up and scurried away. “I’ll call him.”

“It’s your money.”

Twenty seconds later I heard him yell, “Be back in five,” as he headed out the door. Six minutes later I was snorting a six inch rail of the sink basin in the bathroom. It wasn’t bad.

I knew it was gonna get ugly. If we were good, we’d be able to stretch the 8 ball ’til 7:00/7:30, and catch the kid before he headed off to school. If we were bad, it would be a total shitshow by 4 AM. We’d be absolutley fucked and screaming for MORE!


noses bleeding, grinding our back teeth, fidgeting like spastics and jabbering like Willy Wonka and Winnie the fucking Pooh.


But that was a long way away, so we sat our asses back down at the kitchen table, tuned the shortwave radio in to some kind of Chinese news station, and got back to some serious drinking.


About zilla

i was born with skates on. i have three thumbs. i often wish i was a penguin. but i don't like fish, so maybe not.

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