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FLOORitos

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CRASH THE SUPERBOWL? Okay.

attack

Every year Doritos holds a crowd sourcing contest to find the best Super Bowl commercial. The winner gets a million bucks. I’m getting a head start on next year’s contest by opening my campaign before this year’s Super Bowl is played and i’m looking for some help.

What I’m looking for is my cast. Specifically, I’m looking for

roseanne

Roseanne Barr,

charlie sheen

Charlie Sheen

jessie ventura

and Jessie Ventura

I want y’all to keep forwarding this idea until it reaches all three of them. I’m betting that this guy,

Alex Jones

Alex Jones, has all three of them in his Rolodex, so if you’re a fan of Alex, please forward this on to him (I’m pretty sure he’ll like this one).

All four of the above have been very public about the fact they they don’t buy the official 911 story. I am hopeful that Barr, Sheen and Ventura will agree to star in this ad, and that Jones will do his part by spreading the word about this.

As for the money needed to produce the commercial, maybe Michael Moore will be kind enough to direct it, and pick up the costs? Surely, Moore made as much off 911 as Dick Cheney did, after all, right? :)

moore

The ad is all about Building 7.

7

Most people don’t even know that a third building went down on 911. WTC 7 was destroyed. No plane hit it.

If you don’t know anything about Building 7, watch this 5 minute vid

There is, of course, much more material available online.

But the people who are my primary targets for this campaign are all well aware of Building 7 and all sorts of other nonsense being passed off as truth, so I’m not gonna tell them what they already know. Instead, I’m gonna cut to my idea, but not before I preface it by passing along a Mark Twain quote, which, to me and my fellow satirists, is his most brilliant:

“Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.”

Okay, here’s the raw idea, which will need a shave and a haircut.

FLOORitos

Scene – NIST press conference on WTC 7. EVERYONE is eating a bag of Doritos

  • camera comes in on the person at the lectern. It’s Tommy Flanagan, the pathological liar, from SNL circa 1985

tommy flanagan

If you don’t know, or don’t recall, the character, watch this

Flanagan was created and played by Jon Lovitz. I have no idea where Lovitz stands on 911I, so I see Roseanne Barr playing Tommy Flanagan (but if Lovitz wants to do the ad, I don’t imagine anyone would object).

RB – Hi there. I’m Tommy Flanagan, I’m a uh… I’m a

Jessie Ventura plays  a journalist

JV – Structural engineer? Please tell s you’re structural engineer. Or an architect

RB – Yeah! I’m a… structural engineer, that’s what I am. And I’m here as the spokesman for the National Institute of… something

Tommy looks at the NIST sign behind him

RB– the National Institute of Structural TENgineers. Yeah, that’s the ticket. There areten of us structural engineers in the National Institute of Structural TENgineers., Yeah! Yeah, that’s the ticket!

Tommy smiles like an idiot

RB – And I’m here to tell you how and why WTC 7 crashed to the ground on 911. Yeah. Yeah, that’s why I’m here. After the plane crashed into the building

Journos all erupt, grumbling

JV – Tommy, what the Hell are you talking about? Two planes crashed into the two towers but no plane crashed into building 7 .

Tommy looks puzzled

RB – No plane?

JV – No, Tommy, no plane crashed into building 7

RB– Well, I’ll be damned. How did it…

Tommy starts looking through his papers

RB – Oh, wait a minute. Here it is. The debris from tower one

Tommy is clearly puzzled and is struggling to read this

RB – started fires on at least ten floors of the building? And…  the uh, pillars collapsed and one floor crashed through the others from the top to the bottom? Yeah! Yeah, that’s the ticket!

JV – Tommy, that’s impossible. The columns and floors could withstand much worse that those fires.

Tommy’s looking very nervous. Suddenly, a man appears at Tommy’s side and starts whispering in hi ear. It’s Baghdad Bob

baghdad bob

played byCharlie Sheen

RB – Ladies and gentlemen, this is Baghdad Bob. He’s a structural tengineer from Iraq and he will explain all of this to you.

JV – What are Baghdad Bob’s credentials?

Bob whispers into Tommy’s ear. Tommy smiles

RB – looking at Bob, Yeah! That’s the ticket!

Tommy turns to face the pack

RB – He built the pyramids! That good enough for you?!

pyramids

Appeased, JV sits down. Bob steps up to the lectern

CS– The gentleman is correct, the floors and columns would have been able to withstand much, much worse, if they had been made of something other than what they were made of.

JV – What were they made of?

Bob smiles, pulls a Dorito out of his bag, munches it loudly and says

CS – Doritos. The roof and floors were made out of Doritos.

dorito

RB – A building made of Doritos cannot withstand the crushing weight of a thousand tons of guacamole

JV– Guacamole?

RB – Giant chucks of guacamole were flying everywhere when the Klingons and the dragon were fighting

JV– Klingons? Dragon?

RB– Yeah. The Klingon Bird of Prey that attacked Tower 1

klingon

was fighting Smaug the Dragon

smaug

who had attacked Tower 2

over a giant bowl of Doritos

giant bowl

and a giant chuck of guacamole flew into the air and went through the roof of building 7

Bob bows down to Tommy in a Wayne and Garth ‘I’m not worthy’ manner.

not worthy

Tommy laughs, and they high five each other.

Bob looks at the camera and says

CS – Hey, it’s still more believable than the official story

Camera pans to JV, who is shaking his head

JV – Come on, America, we’re smarter than that. What really happened on 911? Demand a new investigation. Oh! And eat Doritos! Eat lots and lots of Doritos. They’re really, really good, even if they do make lousy buildings.

****
So, there you have it, boys and girls. Wouldn’t you love to see that during the 2015 Super Bowl? Well, all you gots to do is forward this everywhere – Facebook, Twitter, email, make a Youtube vid about it.

If you wanna get a hold of me – 911salmi@gmail.com

If you are Roseanne, Charlie, Jessie, Alex or Michael, fire me an email and I will be happy to Skype with you ate your convenience, but I will need to see you on the other end, because I’m sure some jackass is gonna try t put one over on me.

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About zilla

i was born with skates on. i have three thumbs. i often wish i was a penguin. but i don't like fish, so maybe not.

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