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excerpted from Rhino history, other lies and ll that jazz

As the campaign enters its final week, Vancouver South candidate Brian Godzilla Salmi finds himself in a NanaimoBC courtroom. The big green lizard thing – along with some two dozen others who thumbed their noses at a court ordered injunction to not disrupt logging road construction into Clayoquat Sound, on the west coast of Vancouver Island – stands charged  with contempt of court (five years later Clayoquat Summer would become Canada’s largest ever case of civil disobedience when more than 800 people are arrested for blockading the roads that Zilla, Slow Buffalo and company tried to prevent the building of).

When arrested, Zilla and Rhino buddy Big Chief Slow Buffalo tell RCMP officers their names are Ford Prefect and Zaphod Beeblebrox

When the court denies the accused the right to be tried separately, commentators denounce the coming circus as a “Soviet style show trial.” Crown counsel estimates the trial will last five full days. Zilla requests da judge sever his trial from the rest of his co-accused, explaining that he is a candidate in the ongoing election, and having to spend five days in court would seriously interfere with his constitutionally guaranteed right to stand for office.

Hizzounour asks Zilla what party he is running for. The pissed off lizard answers by asking, “What difference does that make?” and launching into a blistering lecture about all men being equal before the courts, which are supposed to be blind. Zilla further points out that a Conservative MP, who had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar just months after his election in 1984, had, with the help of Quebec Premier Robert Bourassa, manipulated the legal system so that he would not be tried prior to, or during, the current campaign.

Da judge is unimpressed and asks, “Guilty or not guilty.”

Zilla answers, “You’re right, I’m guilty as charged. I have nothing but contempt for you and your stinking court,” and scampers gleefully back across the GeorgiaStrait to rejoin the party… er, campaign.

Weeks later Zilla is sentenced to 20 days in jail. All the others are sentenced to five days in the hoosegow. And so much for the constitutionally protected right of freedom of expression. Zilla begins his sentence at the Oakalla maximum security prison where he keeps company with mother rapers and father stabbers, father rapers and mother stabbers, before being transferred to a halfway house within walking distance of a strip bar in south Vancouver.

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