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Sex crimes

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phone call

An FB friend posted, today, that, after a long period of online harassment, it is believed that the stalker has been identified. The alleged stalker was stalking and harassing a lot of people.

The victims believe they know where the stalker works.

I suggested that, if the victims are sure that dude is guilty, dead sure, they should call his place of employment, when they know he’s not working, and ask for him by name. When they say he’s not there, ask them to tell him to call Detective Ryan at the RCMP Sex Crimes Division, as soon as he comes in.

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Super size my freedom fries, slave

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I have a friend, who claims to be a libertarian. He and I both know that he is not. Marina mocks him, saying, “Real libertarians will not play with you.” But he continues the charade, kinda like the guys in the nuthouse who claim to be Jesus, or Napoleon etc.

My friend does not believe in coercion. He is, of late, campaigning for an end to minimum wages. He insists it’s for the good of the working poor.

Minimum wages exist now. Let’s say it’s $7 an hour. I think it safe to assume that the people working for minimum wage are not in favour of having of a pay cut.

So, my friend, who does not believe in THE STATE, or coercion, want to use the power of the state to take money away from the poor slobs.

I assume that my fiends, and his like minded brethren, are in a minority. I doubt they have a great deal of popular support for their scheme. So, they are attempting to use whatever power they have to convince the government to steal money from the working poor. 

I would not be surprised to learn that my friend’s friends are giving money to their friends in government in an attempt to take money away from the working poor. In fact, i’d be surprised if his wealthy friends are not giving money to their friends in the government in this effort.

So, I have offered  my friend an idea:

How ’bout all your friends go around every pay day and ask their minimum wage employees if they can have some money. Not ask if they can borrow some money, but ask if they can have some money. Tell them how it’s for their own good. Run massive advertising campaigns to educate the poor, stupid slobs so they understand it is in their best interest to give the boss some money.

Otherwise, you’re stealing from the working poor 

Is that what you men by freedom?

ss ff

What my freedom loving friend is proposing here isn’t quite breach of contract, but it’s close and almost as heinous.

The working poor have, in effect, appointed the government as their agents. The bosses accepted the terms of the contract the government negotiated on behalf of the working poor

Now, the bosses – who are jealous of their boss friends who are able to outsource their work to places where there is cheap labour – are attempting to bribe the agents of the working poor to fuck their “clients”.

In this ongoing FB debate, another friend piped in thus:

Everyone has the opportunity to be independent and not work for someone else. Some will succeed and some will fail. It is not a class war. If you are lazy, stupid, uneducated or have made a series of bad life choices then your plight is your own. I have been insolvent, broke and waaay in debt over my head. I made it through without crying to the state to bail me out or pay my rent. Unless you are mentally incapable of managing your own affairs then get off your ass and provide for yourself.

I asked if he filed for bankruptcy protection. Because, if he did, he used the power of Our Mother the State to protect him.

How, pray tell, is bankruptcy different from welfare?

FLOORitos

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CRASH THE SUPERBOWL? Okay.

attack

Every year Doritos holds a crowd sourcing contest to find the best Super Bowl commercial. The winner gets a million bucks. I’m getting a head start on next year’s contest by opening my campaign before this year’s Super Bowl is played and i’m looking for some help.

What I’m looking for is my cast. Specifically, I’m looking for

roseanne

Roseanne Barr,

charlie sheen

Charlie Sheen

jessie ventura

and Jessie Ventura

I want y’all to keep forwarding this idea until it reaches all three of them. I’m betting that this guy,

Alex Jones

Alex Jones, has all three of them in his Rolodex, so if you’re a fan of Alex, please forward this on to him (I’m pretty sure he’ll like this one).

All four of the above have been very public about the fact they they don’t buy the official 911 story. I am hopeful that Barr, Sheen and Ventura will agree to star in this ad, and that Jones will do his part by spreading the word about this.

As for the money needed to produce the commercial, maybe Michael Moore will be kind enough to direct it, and pick up the costs? Surely, Moore made as much off 911 as Dick Cheney did, after all, right? :)

moore

The ad is all about Building 7.

7

Most people don’t even know that a third building went down on 911. WTC 7 was destroyed. No plane hit it.

If you don’t know anything about Building 7, watch this 5 minute vid

There is, of course, much more material available online.

But the people who are my primary targets for this campaign are all well aware of Building 7 and all sorts of other nonsense being passed off as truth, so I’m not gonna tell them what they already know. Instead, I’m gonna cut to my idea, but not before I preface it by passing along a Mark Twain quote, which, to me and my fellow satirists, is his most brilliant:

“Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.”

Okay, here’s the raw idea, which will need a shave and a haircut.

FLOORitos

Scene – NIST press conference on WTC 7. EVERYONE is eating a bag of Doritos

  • camera comes in on the person at the lectern. It’s Tommy Flanagan, the pathological liar, from SNL circa 1985

tommy flanagan

If you don’t know, or don’t recall, the character, watch this

Flanagan was created and played by Jon Lovitz. I have no idea where Lovitz stands on 911I, so I see Roseanne Barr playing Tommy Flanagan (but if Lovitz wants to do the ad, I don’t imagine anyone would object).

RB – Hi there. I’m Tommy Flanagan, I’m a uh… I’m a

Jessie Ventura plays  a journalist

JV – Structural engineer? Please tell s you’re structural engineer. Or an architect

RB – Yeah! I’m a… structural engineer, that’s what I am. And I’m here as the spokesman for the National Institute of… something

Tommy looks at the NIST sign behind him

RB– the National Institute of Structural TENgineers. Yeah, that’s the ticket. There areten of us structural engineers in the National Institute of Structural TENgineers., Yeah! Yeah, that’s the ticket!

Tommy smiles like an idiot

RB – And I’m here to tell you how and why WTC 7 crashed to the ground on 911. Yeah. Yeah, that’s why I’m here. After the plane crashed into the building

Journos all erupt, grumbling

JV – Tommy, what the Hell are you talking about? Two planes crashed into the two towers but no plane crashed into building 7 .

Tommy looks puzzled

RB – No plane?

JV – No, Tommy, no plane crashed into building 7

RB– Well, I’ll be damned. How did it…

Tommy starts looking through his papers

RB – Oh, wait a minute. Here it is. The debris from tower one

Tommy is clearly puzzled and is struggling to read this

RB – started fires on at least ten floors of the building? And…  the uh, pillars collapsed and one floor crashed through the others from the top to the bottom? Yeah! Yeah, that’s the ticket!

JV – Tommy, that’s impossible. The columns and floors could withstand much worse that those fires.

Tommy’s looking very nervous. Suddenly, a man appears at Tommy’s side and starts whispering in hi ear. It’s Baghdad Bob

baghdad bob

played byCharlie Sheen

RB – Ladies and gentlemen, this is Baghdad Bob. He’s a structural tengineer from Iraq and he will explain all of this to you.

JV – What are Baghdad Bob’s credentials?

Bob whispers into Tommy’s ear. Tommy smiles

RB – looking at Bob, Yeah! That’s the ticket!

Tommy turns to face the pack

RB – He built the pyramids! That good enough for you?!

pyramids

Appeased, JV sits down. Bob steps up to the lectern

CS– The gentleman is correct, the floors and columns would have been able to withstand much, much worse, if they had been made of something other than what they were made of.

JV – What were they made of?

Bob smiles, pulls a Dorito out of his bag, munches it loudly and says

CS – Doritos. The roof and floors were made out of Doritos.

dorito

RB – A building made of Doritos cannot withstand the crushing weight of a thousand tons of guacamole

JV– Guacamole?

RB – Giant chucks of guacamole were flying everywhere when the Klingons and the dragon were fighting

JV– Klingons? Dragon?

RB– Yeah. The Klingon Bird of Prey that attacked Tower 1

klingon

was fighting Smaug the Dragon

smaug

who had attacked Tower 2

over a giant bowl of Doritos

giant bowl

and a giant chuck of guacamole flew into the air and went through the roof of building 7

Bob bows down to Tommy in a Wayne and Garth ‘I’m not worthy’ manner.

not worthy

Tommy laughs, and they high five each other.

Bob looks at the camera and says

CS – Hey, it’s still more believable than the official story

Camera pans to JV, who is shaking his head

JV – Come on, America, we’re smarter than that. What really happened on 911? Demand a new investigation. Oh! And eat Doritos! Eat lots and lots of Doritos. They’re really, really good, even if they do make lousy buildings.

****
So, there you have it, boys and girls. Wouldn’t you love to see that during the 2015 Super Bowl? Well, all you gots to do is forward this everywhere – Facebook, Twitter, email, make a Youtube vid about it.

If you wanna get a hold of me – 911salmi@gmail.com

If you are Roseanne, Charlie, Jessie, Alex or Michael, fire me an email and I will be happy to Skype with you ate your convenience, but I will need to see you on the other end, because I’m sure some jackass is gonna try t put one over on me.

My pen is mightier than Putin’s prisons

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BBC is reporting that Russia will release Pussy Riot members from the gulag archipelago,  and pardon Greenpeace activists it held for two months.

Obviously, Putin read my blog on the matter

Mathias Rust to captain Greenpeace ship FREE PUSSY RIOT as it sails out of Russia

and realized the jig was up. There’s no way he wanted the whole world laughuing at him when the Olympics open in Sochi in February.

But the girly man Putin has not cured his fetish for kidnapping innocents and holding them for ransom. Here, Putin is seen, in a Rob Fordesque drunken stupor, snatching a baby from the hands of its mother .

kidnapped

Drop the kid, Vlado.

Hi ho hi ho it’s off to jail I go

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25 years ago today I was on my way to jail.

Vancouver Sun
December 7, 1988
Page B.6
Environmentalist must go to jail on contempt count;
Environmental activist gets 20 days for contempt
Glenn Bohn

An environmental activist must serve 20 days in jail for contempt of court after interfering last June with work on a new logging road at the edge of Clayoquot Sound.

B.C. Supreme Court Justice John Bouck reminded the defendant Tuesday of the words he spoke at the outset of the trial.

“I have nothing but contempt for this court,” the judge quoted the defendant, Brian Salmi, as saying.

The judge said the proceedings that followed were largely irrelevant.

Justice Bouck also slammed the defendant’s lawyer, Robert Moore-Stewart, saying he had “played to the public gallery for attention” at a November hearing. And he criticized Moore-Stewart for failing to attend his client’s sentencing.

In June, the B.C. Supreme Court granted B.C.Forest Products an injunction that prohibited anyone from interfering with the construction of the B.C. government-authorized logging road on provincial Crown land. The protest site was an old-growth forest at Sulphur Passage, north of Tofino on Vancouver Island.

An environmental group called the Friends of Clayoquot Sound had earlier asked B.C. Forests Minister Dave Parker for a moratorium on logging around the scenic sound, but received no reply from the minister. The group continued to organize protests at the end of the logging road after the injunction was issued in June.

Forest company spokesman Stu Clugston said in an interview Tuesday 28 people were cited for contempt of court and five went to jail.

“We hate to see people go to jail over this issue,” said Clugston, a spokesman for Fletcher Challenge Canada, which bought BCFP. “We see no pleasure in it.”

Clugston said road construction has ceased because of bad weather and so the company can consider public comments for a revised logging plan.

During sentencing, the judge complained that Moore-Stewart had failed to appear for Salmi’s sentencing Tuesday and of another defendant accused of contempt of court.

The judge said he wanted to put Moore-Stewart’s conduct on the record, but did not announce any further action.

Moore-Stewart, contacted later at his Victoria office, said he had given Salmi and others free legal counsel because he believed in their cause. Moore-Stewart said he did not attend the sentencings because “there was nothing further to do” and he had not been asked.

Salmi had failed to appear for his last court appearance and was arrested by police Monday and kept in custody for Tuesday’s sentencing.

He told the judge he was under the impression that he was appearing with other protesters on another day and had made “a simple honest mistake” in failing to appear.

Justice Bouck said he didn’t believe the excuse.

The judge said Salmi’s behavior had made it “obvious that he has no respect for the law . . . . He seems to think he’s a law unto himself.”

****

Here’s the real story that the Vancouver Sun didn’t want its readers to know

excerpted from Rhino history, other lies and all that jazz

As the campaign enters its final week, Vancouver South candidate Brian Godzilla Salmi finds himself in a NanaimoBC courtroom. The big green lizard thing – along with some two dozen others who thumbed their noses at a court ordered injunction to not disrupt logging road construction into Clayoquat Sound, on the west coast of Vancouver Island – stands charged  with contempt of court (five years later Clayoquat Summer would become Canada’s largest ever case of civil disobedience when more than 800 people are arrested for blockading the roads that Zilla, Slow Buffalo and company tried to prevent the building of).

When arrested, Zilla and Rhino buddy Big Chief Slow Buffalo tell RCMP officers their names are Ford Prefect and Zaphod Beeblebrox

When the court denies the accused the right to be tried separately, commentators denounce the coming circus as a “Soviet style show trial.” Crown counsel estimates the trial will last five full days. Zilla requests da judge sever his trial from the rest of his co-accused, explaining that he is a candidate in the ongoing election, and having to spend five days in court would seriously interfere with his constitutionally guaranteed right to stand for office.

Hizzounour asks Zilla what party he is running for. The pissed off lizard answers by asking, “What difference does that make?” and launching into a blistering lecture about all men being equal before the courts, which are supposed to be blind. Zilla further points out that a Conservative MP, who had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar just months after his election in 1984, had, with the help of Quebec Premier Robert Bourassa, manipulated the legal system so that he would not be tried prior to, or during, the current campaign.

Da judge is unimpressed and asks, “Guilty or not guilty.”

Zilla answers, “You’re right, I’m guilty as charged. I have nothing but contempt for you and your stinking court,” and scampers gleefully back across the GeorgiaStrait to rejoin the party… er, campaign.

Weeks later Zilla is sentenced to 20 days in jail. All the others are sentenced to five days in the hoosegow. And so much for the constitutionally protected right of freedom of expression. Zilla begins his sentence at the Oakalla maximum security prison where he keeps company with mother rapers and father stabbers, father rapers and mother stabbers, before being transferred to a halfway house within walking distance of a strip bar in south Vancouver.

****

The judge seemed to think that he could “scare me straight” and “correct my attitude problem” by sending me to Oakalla, BC’s maximum security prison

What he didn’t know was that I grew up with all those mother rapers and father stabbers in the housing projects I grew up in. I knew those guys. I was those guys, just smarter and less violent. And they all loved that I had told the judge to kiss my ass, especially when it was right there in the Vancouver Sun telling them it was so.

I have two clear memories from my time in maximum security:

They put me into a cell with no light bulb. It was dark but from the light in the corridor I could make out some graffiti scrawled on it. It was political propaganda. It was lampooning the Communist Party of Canada Marxist Leninist. My friend Slow Buffalo had recently served his sentence in the same cell. I laughed. Oh, how I laughed.

On my second day I was let out into the exercise yard, where I saw two groups (the mother rapers and the father stabbers?) singing I fought the Law

and doing the can0can

can can

One group would sing

“Braking rocks in the”

the other group would sing

“hot sun”

first group

“I fought the law and the”

second group

“law won”

I burst out laughing, drawing the attention of a big motherfucking father raper mother stabber, who bellowed, “Hey, tree hugger! What’s so fucking funny?”

I literally wiped the smile off my face, cowered, averted my eyes  and mumbled, “Nothing. Nothing.”

The big motherfucking father raper mother stabber burst nto laughter and I went over and joind him on the Group W bench

Nice try judge asshole, but it didn’t work, and I still have nothing but contempt for you and your stinking court and I am still a law unto myself and always will be.

PS – if you don’t know what the Group W bench is, you should listen to this classic from Arlo Guthrie, it’s well worth the 20 minutes

Mathias Rust to captain Greenpeace ship FREE PUSSY RIOT as it sails out of Russia

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Having made his point that pissant pussies like Greenpeace should not fuck with a big man like him, Vladimir Putin

putin

is starting to wrap up his high Arctic hostage taking of citizens of ten countries , plus two of his own subjects – see my original post here.

Of the 28 Greenpeace activists and two reporters who were taken hostage by Putin’s minions two months ago, only one, an Australian, remains in custody.

A United Nations tribunal on the law of the sea has ordered Russia to release the Greenpeace ship Arctic Sunrise on a $5 million bond. The Russians have told the boys and girls in the baby blue berets to go fuck themselves.

The tribunal, based in Hamburg, Germany, ruled that the fuck-shit-uppers were in international waters when the Russian pirates boarded their vessel and took its crew, and guests, hostage.

The rainbow warriors had attempted to scale a Russian drilling platform in the Arctic

gp as

and hang a banner that read, “STOP FUCKING YOUR MOTHER, YOU FUCKIN’G MOTHERFUCKERS!”

The Russian authorities originally charged the Greenpeacers with piracy, a charge so ludicrous that even Putin said it was absurd. The piracy charges were later replaced by equally absurd accusations of hooliganism

hooligans

a charge most often reserved for violent football retards who cut the ears off the fat heads of violent football retards who cheer for the other team.

Despite the fact that the Kremlin has told the UN to get fucked, Putin will stuff the $5 million into his man-purse, and release the Arctic Sunrise. The Russians will also allow the released hostages to leave the country well before the Sochi Olympics begin on February 7. This has, after all, been a shakedown all along.

extortion

None of the hostages will ever return to Russia to face a Soviet style, kangaroo court show trial. Greenpeace will  forfeit the $5 million, which they will more than recoup with a fundraising campaign fueled by the publicity they will get from their glorious exit from the CCCP.

My people in Greenpeace have told me that the organization has already applied to change the name of the ship, which is registered in Holland, to FREE PUSSY RIOT.

The Dutch authorities, who have been waging a flame war with he homo-hating Soviets over gay rights, laughed their asses off when they got the request and instantly green lighted it.

Mathias Rust will  be named Captain of FREE PUSSY RIOT.

Rust is famous for landing a small plane in the middle of Red Square on May 28, 1987.

rust

The ballsy, 19 year old West German said he plotted and pulled off the most amazing prank ever because he was pissed that Reagan and Gorbachev made no headway on disarmament talks during their summit in Iceland, the previous year.

Rust said he wanted to give some advice to Gorbachev. Gorbachev used the farce as an excuse to fire Red Army hardliners who opposed his reforms, reasoning that if they were incapable of defending Mother Russia and her colonies from a pimply-faced kid in a Cessna, they were not fit for the job of defending it from Tom Cruise in his F-14A Tomcat.

cruise

Rust is still pissed that Gorbachev used his heroics to his advantage but never once came to see him while he served a 14 month stint in the gulag archipelago. “I’ve still got a hate-on for the Russians for that bullshit, and I will be more than overjoyed to Captain FREE PUSSY RIOT as she heads for freedom.”

Greenpeace is currently interviewing for an all gay crew that will be with Captain Rust on this extraordinary mission. My Greenpeace sources tell me that the entire crew will strip naked on the deck of FREE PUSSY RIOT, sing the Village People classic In the Navy

while urging Putin

gay putin

to, “Lick us where we shit, you fudge-packing fascist closet case cocksucker!” as they steam out of St. Petersburg.

 

Man up you sissies, Montenegro don’t need no more fags in the fight for queer rights

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Man up you sissies, Montenegro don’t need no more fags in the fight for queer rights

mne cops

The last time I saw so many cops and reporters was the day my grow show got raided. Okay, there probably were not 2000 cops and 50 reporters there that day but it sure looked like it as I drove past the scene (which looked like all-you-can-eat hour at Tim Horton’s) after my burglar alarm triggered my beeper to alert me to the presence of alien invaders in my marijuana mine. But that’s an old tale that’s been told a thousand times, and this fresh jive ain’t got nothing to do with that old schtick,  so let’s move on, shall we?

I not only brushed my teeth and hair for the first gay pride parade in the Montenegrin capital, I even ironed my pants and shirt. Getting turned away from, or chased out of the march would have been humiliating and there was no point running the risk of agitating the organizers by showing up rumpled. Even if the number of Montenegrins who would like to ‘kill the fags’ outnumber those of us who demand equal rights for queers by about 10,000 to 1, you just can’t walk in a pride parade looking shabby. I did not go so far as to doll myself up to look fabulous

fabulous

I’ll leave the looking fabulous stuff to Marina.

?

The event was not a celebration. Montenegro is a long, long way from holding the festive pride events you see in the West.

No, this was not a party. This was serious business. There was tension in the air and fear was everywhere. The leader of Queer Montenegro had been attacked and assaulted the day before. The country’s most prominent queer rights activist has recently gone into exile, in Vancouver, after being attacked frequently and threatened persistently.

The exiled hero publicly stated that he had been very vigilant about reporting every attack and threat to the cops. He says he cops did nothing. So, could we really rest assured that the cops would protect us from the neanderthals who wanted to kill us?

Ponder thsi picture, please

Ponder this picture, from Montenegro’s first pride parade, please

Even when I was a small child I was convinced that grown-ups were taking the piss when they would tell me, “The policeman is your friend.”

doubtful kid

I would rush to the nearest dictionary, look up the meaning of friend,

1606-118580

and say, “I don’t fuckin’ think so. Fuck the police!”

fuck the police 2

And I’d say it again, “Fuck the police!”

fuck the police

C’mon, say it with me this time, I know you wanna! Ready? 3…2…1…FUCK THE POLICE

fuck the police 3

And a subsequent lifetime of experience tells me not to trust cops,

sgt pepper

so I had my doubts.

I kept those doubts to myself the night before, when Marina told me that she was, literally, worried sick about the prospect of violence. Although she is very passionate about LGBT rights, Marina had never been to any kind of protest before Sunday. She is constantly battling the braindead bigots on Facebook, so she knows how much hate runs through the misguided minds of the malevolent morons who attacked Montenegro’s first pride march in the coastal city of Budva, back in July.

budva pride

Every ethnic group in the former Yugoslavia is is filled with hate. The Kosovo Albanians hate the Macedonians, the Croats hate the Albanians, the Montenegrins hate the Croats, the Macedonians hate the Montenegrins, the Serbs hate everybody and everybody hates the Serbs.

yugo wars

serb head

They will get drink and fuck each other but the cordiality usually dissipates when they awake in the morning and realize that they willingly had sex with an animal.

The Slovenians don’t factor into the equation anymore because they started fucking off as soon as Tito died and have rarely been heard from since. But the grand unifier of hate, the greatest hate of all, the hate that brings all the haters together is the hatred of queers.

Wait. They all hate the Gypsies, too. And the Gypsies probably hate the queers as much as everyone else does, if only so that they can have someone to feel superior to. So far as I know, the queers ain’t hating on anyone, but I bet they would have made fun of me if I’d shown up rumpled and disheveled. That would have made them feel superior to me, so maybe I should have. Well, next time. And there will be a next time.

Next time will be some time in June 2014 and that, boys and girls, is going to be a very, very interesting event.

Sunday’s march went off perfectly. A brilliant plan, a perfect execution. The organizers are to be congratulated, not only for their incredible courage, but also for their professionalism. Parade marshals did a great job of creating a positive energy to combat the tension.

mne pride

Accomplishing that was made easy because of the cooperation they got from the authorities, who deserve nearly as much credit and respect as the organizers, even if they were bowing to the wishes of the EU.

Montenegro is an EU candidate country and it was, without a doubt, the EU overlords who told the government of Montenegro to spare no expense in keeping marchers from harm. This is an incredible benefit to LGBT rights campaigners. They are in the enviable position of having the sheer brute power of THE STATE on their side.

tear gas

This is not an opportunity that should be pissed away, because, if and when Montenegro does become a full member of the EU, the EU will have less leverage on the country’s politicians. All politicians are loathe to alienate voters, even when they are in the habit of running crooked elections. Some 70% of the country’s 650,000 citizens actually believe homosexuality is a disease. The head of the powerful Orthodox Church has publicly stated that queers should be killed – here’s the translation of his quote, “A tree that is not fruitful is cut down and thrown into the fire.”

church head

I’d like to ask his holiness if that applies to those of us who choose not to procreate, and those who are incapable of doing so, but he stopped taking my calls when he found out my legal name is Sa Tan.

Following Montenegro’s first pride parade there was a great debate amongst queer activists as to whether or not they should go back t the streets again. Some argued that it was too soon. They have little support. Attacks on and threats against anyone known or perceived to be queer increased after the July event.

The wiser queers, who prevailed, realized that they need to spark a debate – that they can, eventually, win – while they have the muscle of the EU on side to protect those who will dare to march.

mne cops 2

When it was first announced that there would be 2000 cops on hand to protect marchers, I thought it might be an exaggeration to strike fear into the  haters. But I do believe there really were 2000 cops there on Sunday. The entire length of the parade route was lined with cops in riot gear.

good cops

Every side street was blocked off a block away by dozens of cops in riot gear. There were cops here, there, everywhere and in the air, too. The cops did their jobs, but they were also friendly and that counts for a whole lot. The policeman is my friend!

Whoever came up with the parade route, which remained a secret until Sunday morning, is to be commended. I thought we would be marching down the city’s main street, lined with shops, cafes and offices, with apartments above. That would have been stupid. The haters could have gotten into one or more of the apartments above the street and there’d have been no way to stop whatever ugly they decided to rain down until it was too late. Short of kicking everyone out of their apartments, there’d have been no way to assure the safety of the marchers.

Instead, we marched down the arterial on which the Parliament building is situated. Nothing but government buildings on that side of the street, nothing but parkland on the other. The cops had been patrolling the green spaces with dogs since three in the morning.

cop dog

We marched over a bridge (symbolic?), to the first intersection. The apartment building across the intersection had a large terrace that swarmed with cops. If a hater was tempted to do anything uglier than shout from one of thee apartment windows he’d likely have been dissuaded by the police helicopter that hovered 20 feet above the intersection until we turned and marched back to the house of Parliament.

There were delegations from the EU and the British and American embassies – but only the Netherlands’ government sent its Ambassador. This was a minor fuck you to the Russians – who have sizable economic investments in Montenegro and would prefer that the country stay out of the EU and NATO – in the ongoing tit-for-tat queer rights war between the countries.

I estimate that about 30% of the 150 or so of us who marched were foreigners.About 80% of marchers were under 30, girls outnumbered guys by at least a 2 to 1 margin, and I would not be surprised if straights outnumbered queers.

In order for the movement for LGBT rights to advance quickly, next year’s parade must be larger. That’s why it would be a mistake, perhaps a tragic, grave mistake, to use a different route in June. Stay-at-home sympathizers have to understand that we could not have been afforded more security on Sunday. Even after the march was over we were given protection by the cops, who loaded us into paddy wagons

S

and evacuated us to their forested training compound on the outskirts of town.

We stayed at the compound while the cops battled it out with the haters, far away from where love triumphed over fear

lmne homophobes

battle

Local media reports state that 60 haters were arrested and the authorities are promising to prosecute them to the full extent of the law – and wouldn’t it be poetic justice if at least one of them gets some serious time and has to suck a mile of dirty cock before he gets a chance to throw another Molotov cocktail?

An hour or so later, we ere free to head home. I don’t doubt that we’ll all be back on the streets next June. But we would like to be joined by all those fags – queer and straight, male, female and other – who pansied out on Sunday. If Marina, who is afraid of the dark, can man up, get fabulous and hit the streets, so can every one of those sissies.

Greenpeace head makes bogus offer to reprehensible Russians

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Finnish Greenpeace activist in Russian court isn't waiting for Putin to accepts her leader's offer

Finnish Greenpeace activist in Russian court isn’t waiting for Putin to accept her leader’s offer

Vladimir Putin must surely have laughed when he first heard of an offer made to him by Greenpeace International’s Kumi Naidoo. The offer got to Putin long before the letter it was made in, and when it did Putin shook his head, smiled, and said, “Damn! These mofos are good!”

Naidoo asked Putin to releases 28 Greenpeace activists and two journalists who were arrested on September 18 and are being charged with piracy.  Naidoo offered himself in exchange. The odds of Putin accepting the offer are exactly sweet fuck all. But it had to be made because Greenpeace cannot afford to let this story die. If they drop the ball on this one, the Russians are vile enough to convict the 30 and give them long sentences.

The arrests took place when the Greenpeace ship Arctic Sunrise

arctic sunrise

dispatched crew members to climb a Russian oil drilling rig in the Arctic Ocean and hang a banner  – perhaps something to the effect of:

OIL BAD

GREENPEACE GOOD

SEND MONEY!

Action Against Gazprom's Arctic Drilling

Putin himself has admitted that piracy charges are ludicrous, “Obviously, they are not pirates,” he declared before the world. And, if he wanted to, Putin could quash the charges with a flick of his mighty wrists.

putin

Putin is not ordering the release of his prisoners because he doesn’t want Greenpeace fucking his shit up. Putin is not the first fool to fuck with Greenpeace but he is the most megalomaniacal and dealing with this foolish megalomaniac is gonna be tricky, even for Greenpeace’s masters of media manipulation.

Naidoo’s offer is both disingenuous and ingenious. By offering to take the place of the 30, Naidoo has painted them not as prisoners, but as hostages. It’s the kind of heroic ploy you see in bad Hollywood dramas all the time – the heroic cop says, “Take me,” and let those innocent hostages go.

Putin’s not gonna take that bait, nor is he ready to instruct his minions to drop the absurd piracy charges, His return volley was to let it be known that narcotics were found on the Arctic Sunrise, which has been seized. The idea that someone aboard the Arctic Sunrise has a stash of weed surprises no one, of course, but nor is it beyond belief that the Russians are full of shit, and there were no drugs on board.

Putin, who is no fool (yeah, yeah, I know what I just said), has now painted his hostages as a bunch of dirty hippies. Nice one, Vlad. Touche.

My suggestion to Greenpeace is to ask Bono

bono

to offer himself in exchange for the 30 hostages, and get Justin Trudeau

trudeau weed

to claim that he Fed-Exed the weed to the two Canadian crew members (now hostages) as a token (get it? TOKEn) of his support for their righteous mission before they shipped out.

This is a compelling story, but it would be funnier if I could get Putin, Greenpeace and Fed-Ex to hire me as a propaganda consultant, don’t you think? 🙂