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Category Archives: smartassery

Fuck you, I won’t drink what you tell me!

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Molson recently bought the local Montenegrin brewery, Niksicko

The standard Nik bottle has been 500 ml

nik

Now, restaurants are pushing 330 ml bottles, which are, of a sudden, priced higher the the 1/2 litre bottles ever were

The smaller bottles are now green, instead of the traditional brown, an obvious attempt to bamboozle rubes into thinking there is something different in the more expensive bottles.

i suspect this odious gambit will soon spread into the local stores

if it does, i will, i kid you not, appear at the Canadian embassy and threaten to douse myself in nik and light myself on fire.

rage

Fuck you, I won’t drink what you tell me!

Fuck you, I won’t drink what you tell me!

Fuck you, I won’t drink what you tell me!

Fuck you, I won’t drink what you tell me!

Fuck you, I won’t drink what you tell me!

Fuck you, I won’t drink what you tell me!

Fuck you, I won’t drink what you tell me!

Fuck you, I won’t drink what you tell me!

Fuck you, I won’t drink what you tell me!

 

Sex crimes

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phone call

An FB friend posted, today, that, after a long period of online harassment, it is believed that the stalker has been identified. The alleged stalker was stalking and harassing a lot of people.

The victims believe they know where the stalker works.

I suggested that, if the victims are sure that dude is guilty, dead sure, they should call his place of employment, when they know he’s not working, and ask for him by name. When they say he’s not there, ask them to tell him to call Detective Ryan at the RCMP Sex Crimes Division, as soon as he comes in.

Champions League explained for ignoid Mairkans

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Things are not going as I hoped in the Champions League.  I don’t really care, because I’m an Ajax fan,

ajax

and we never make it out of the group stage anymore.

Chelsea eliminated Paris St. Germain, and Real Madrid knocked out Borussia Dortmund on Tuesday.

For the sake of illuminating those of you who are wholly ignorant about how the UEFA Champions League works,

huh

let me give this brief explanation of the knockout stages, which start with the round of 16.

Two sides are pitted against each other. Two game series, each getting a home game. Win both and you’re through to the next round, obviously. But if both teams win a game, as was the case  with PSG vs Chelsea and Real vs Dortmund, most goals scored goes through. If both teams score an equal number of goals, the team that scored more away goals goes through.

huh

PSG was at home for the first game of their tussle with Chelsea. PSG won 3 – 1. Chelsea scored a second goal with just a few minutes to play on Tuesday, giving them a 2 – 0 victory. Both teams scored three goals in the two matches. But Chelsea goes through to the semis because they scored a goal in Paris, whereas PSG got shut out in London

huh

Real scored a 3 – 0 win at home last week against Dortmund. Dortmund beat Real 2 – 0 on Tuesday. One win each, but Real wins on aggregate 3 – 2. Had Borussia scored a third goal yesterday, they would have gone into extra time (overtime, but not sudden death overtime). Had the score remainedtied, they’d have gone to penalties (a shootout)

huh

Chelsea will face the winners of the Manchester United / Bayern Munich  showdown, and Real will go head to head with  either arch rival Barcelona, or current La Liga leaders Athletico Madrid. Those semi finals slots will be filled today, when Man u travel to Munich and Barcelona head to Madrid for the second legs of their clashes.

huh

Man U managed a 1 – 1 draw against Bayern. Barca and Athletico also payed to a 1 – 1 stalemate.

So… oh, never mind, you stupid Mairkans. Go back to watching baseball and come back in a couple weeks,when the semis start, and I’ll attempt to learn y’all some more ’bout football.

huh

 

The NRA, Rosa Parks and Giggles the Happy Bomb

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rosa

Now here’s a gem of logic.

I’m gonna go out on a limb and posit that the genius who came up with this one is claiming you have a right to own a gun for personal protection. And that right is as “God given” as the right to not be discriminated against because of your skin colour.

The gun is supposed to protect you from the bad guys. Oft times, gun rights people say that, sooner or later, the bad guys are gonna be the government. Yes, that may be, but if it’s so, those bad guys are gonna outgun you by a wide margin.

The only way the military is gonna be deterred from coming for you is if you’re sitting on NBC weapons. Nuclear Biological Chemical. Also known as WMDs.

nuke

So, when examining the above meme, I have to conclude that whoever came up with it is, in fact, saying, “If that nigger bitch gets to sit at the front of the bus, I get to have my own nuclear bomb.”

Sounds right to me, Bubba. So long as we all get one. And since this must be a universal right, every kids in Iran and Afghanistan should get one, too, right?

This is the personalized version of a promise I first made when running for federal office in 1997. I proposed that Canada build a nuclear bomb. Not an arsenal, just one. A 1 gigaton bomb.

To date, the biggest bomb ever created was the 57 megaton Soviet nuke affectionately known as Tsar Bomba. That big boy was 1400 times more powerful than that puny little Mairkan thing named Little Boy

littlke boy

which vaporized Hiroshima

hiroshima

As you can see, big bombs need to be named, and I promised to name Canada’s nuke Giggles. Giggles the Happy Bomb. Giggles would be about 20 times bigger than Tsar Bomba.

In order to sell the idea to the nation, I would use my powers as the country’s first Rhino Prime Minister, to mount an extensive PR campaign that would see hundreds of child friendly Giggles mascots

giggles

travelling from coast-to-coast-to-coast handing out depleted uranium bullets to little boys and girls of all ages.

The ultimate goal of Giggles was to make sure that no one in the world fucks with Canada, because if they do, KABLOOEY!

tjhats all

we blow up the whole fucking world.

And just in case anyone thought we were just joking, thought that Canadians are far too polite to blow up the whole fucking world, I was gonna put Don Cherry in charge of Giggles

grapes

Grapes, and Grapes alone, would be the one to decide if and when Giggles would be deployed.

Motherfuckers!

 

Dogs and Stockholm Syndrome

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Dogs invented Stockholm Syndrome

adopt

Hey, I’m not saying it’s wrong/bad. Our dogs love us, and we love them.

Patti Hearst

patti hearst

be my witness?

How Caligula and PT Barnum would win the War on Terror… or some such shit

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The latest George Zimmerman circus is a snapshot of everything that is admirable, and simultaneously, grotesque about Mairka.

I was completely oblivious to his plan to fight a black guy until I had a chance to catch up with my bubba buddy yesterday. I haven’t stopped laughing about it since.

The guy who came up with this idea, I assume it wasn’t Zimmerman himself, is a cynical genius, a hybrid of Emperor Caligula

caligula

and PT Barnum.

barnum

Take the most reviled honky

zimmerman

in a nation that is constantly on the edge of race wars,

race war

and put him into the ring with a black man.

black dude

It just doesn’t get any more base, any more vile, any more funny than that (but I am going to try to one-up it before the close of this piece, so keep reading, kids).

As soon as Bubba told me about this bolt of Barnumian brilliance I knew exactly how it should play out. Zimmerman absolutely has to kick the shit out of the first negroid gladiator to enter the ring with him. It has to be close, for a while. But in the end, Zimmerman, a man so villainous that not even a dog could love him, has to drag the guy from one end of the ring to the other, leaving behind so much blood that they’ll have to send in a motherfucking Zamboni.

zamboni blood

And them listen to them HOWL! From Seattle to Miami, Mairkans will be screaming, REMATCH!

Not a rematch with the chump who lost (after being paid a cool million to do so, naturally) but with someone bigger. Much bigger. Someone so fucking big that the fucking Pope and the Dalai Lama would be sitting ringside.

Bubba understood what I was telling him. And he agreed. “Mike Tyson!,” he exclaimed.

tyson

I was impressed. That would be great. Watch Tyson bite one ear off, then the other. Then, after battering Zimmerman into a bleeding bag of bones connected to a comatose brain, let the big dog eat. Let Tyson eat Zimmerman’s face. Which is good, but not good enough.

“No,” I said, “I have something much better.”

“C’mon, how does it get any better than that,” said a doubting friend.

“OJ Simpson,” I laughed.

oj

“OJ fucking Simpson!”

Bubba stopped breathing for about 13 seconds. He hasn’t stopped laughing since he caught his breath.

OJ Fucking Simpson, brothers and sisters. Loser goes to prison, for the rest of his life

Moments after Bubba hung up, I was listening to BBC World Service, which was rebroadcasting a long piece about Gitmo.

gitmo

I’d heard it before but paid no attention the first time. However. this time the Evil Clown Gods Who Rule the Universe were screaming at me to LISTEN! So I did.

At one point, the Beeb’s man pointed out that Obama has promised to close down Gitmo as part of his 08 campaign. “Fuck no!” I screamed. “Never! Never, ever close down Gitmo, Mairka. I have a far better idea.”

About a decade or so ago, when the reality TV stuff was still in its diapers, someone had the clever idea of doing a reality TV version of The Beverley Hillbillies.

bh

They’d gone to deepest, darkest Kentucky, or Arkansas or wherever, and found a family of banjo playing inbreds.

banjo boy

They was gonna put ’em on a banged up old truck truck and send ’em off to Beverley Hills with platinum cards in their wallets.

I don’t know who it was that brought the hammer down on the series, but they did, before they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverley… Hills that is… swimming pools… movie stars. I had no idea there was some kind of patron saint of hillbillies. But, apparently, there is, and they threatened a Million Hillbilly March on Washington, and that was the end of that fun.

In its 1979/1980 season, Saturday Night Live did s kit called the Bel Airabs.

bel airabs

They only did it twice. Here’s one of the episodes, yes, you really do wanna watch it, if only for the thene song and Gilda Radner playing Granny (but, be warned – if you don’t rigt click on the hyperlink and hit open in a new tab, you’re outta here.

I say bring back the Bel Airabs. As a reality series. Starring the prisoners of Gitmo.

Take the baddest asses of them

gitmo guys

and turn them loose in LA. Bel Air, of course. Give them a mansion. Unlimited credit. Absolute impunity for everything save acts of violence. Let them act like Rasuptin at Mardi Gras.

mardi gras tits

Like the Marquis de Sade on Spring Break in Daytona.

spring break tits

Film every second of it. But Al Jazeera and bombard the Arab world with 24/7 live coverage.

But the second one of them starts mumbling about jihad this, or fatwa that, send the fucker back to Gitmo, and bring in a fresh recruit First stop is Hef’s mansion.

hef's mansion

 

hef's girls

You sure you want 72 black-eyed virgins, Mustafa?. Do you seriously think a virgin can suck a golf ball through a garden hose?

golf abll through a garden hose

Well, every girl here can

golf ball 2

 

if you buy her a couple beers.

Before the first season is over every Islamist in the world will give themselves up and beg to be sent to Gitmo.

It takes one to marry one

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Marina just accused me of being “weird,” not for the first time.

“Me?” I laughed. “You married me! What does that make you, little Mrs. Pot-Kettle-Black?”

Even Dark Lords have to learn the basics

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learning

If you’re wondering where Santa is…

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Merry Christmas to all and to all a good fight

Deny this!

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getting warmer