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We’re goin’ for 25 and we don’t take no jive

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habs cup

Habs haters are always blathering on about how us Habs fans are always blabbering on about history.

Here’s the math, dummies: unless THE CUP is in your possession, all you have is history.

At the moment, the only fuckers who have bragging rights over us are the Blackhawks.

The rest of you fuckers don’t have TWENTY FOUR banners hanging from your rafters. You don’t have HABS HISTORY. That means that, until THE CUP changes hands, we take shit from ‘hawks ‘fans and no one else.

They say that masturbation is a sin, but Patrick Roy proved that “pulling the goalie” prematurely pays off some times and can even turn tears into laughter

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As history has recorded, Patrick Roy is not overly fond of coaches who leave their goalies in between the pipes when it’s clear they should be elsewhere.

roy and tremblay 1

roy and trembaly 2

So it should come as little surprise that St. Patrick pulled Semyon Varlamov when his Avs trailed the visiting Minnesota Wild by a goal late in last night’s opening game of their Round of 16 playoff series. 

roy pulls goalie

Any coach would have pulled his goalie in that situation, of course. But Roy yanked his ‘tender with three minutes and one second left on the clock.

It’s a foregone conclusion that Roy will win the Jack Adams Trophy (best coach) this year, but if the NHL had a time machine Gary Bettman would be DOCTOR WHOing himself back in time this morning,

dr who time travel

so he could hand the hardware to Roy last night. Bettman would have to go fetch the Adams Trophy from wherever it’s kept (the Hockey Hall of Fame, in Trawna?)

4.1.1

and ABRA-CADABRAed himself back to Denver as soon as Varlamov broke for the Avs bench.

If there were any justice in the world (past, present or future), Bettman, the stupid Mairkan, would have been left behind in the past, but more likely the case that the bastard would, through some sort of black magic, have wriggled his way back into the British Police Call Box and made it back to the game.

Bettman would have to remain in the shadows with the trophy until Paul Stasny made a genius out of Roy by tying the game at 4 with 13.4 seconds left on the clock (this time travel expedition is really fucking up my tenses, huh?). But when the red light started spinning behind the Minnesota net, Bettman could have appeared next to whomever was doing colour commentary from between the benches

between the benches

and explained what was going on.

Then, when Stasny scored the winner at 7:27 of the first overtime, Bettman could pounce over the boards, order the spotlight to beam on him, not Stasny, and hand Roy the silverware.

Indeed, it’s a good thing that my Habs are serious cup contenders, because if they’d not made it into the playoffs, me and the entire population of Quebec would be howling for the head of Marc Bergevin for passing Roy over and installing Michel Therrien as the bench boss of les Glorieux, instead.

Three minutes and one second? Are you kidding? No one pulls their goalie with that much time left.

Well, actually, I’ve seen it before. Actually, actually, I played in a game where our goalie was pulled with over 19 minutes left to play.

Yeah, yeah, I know, you don’t give a fuck about my glorieux days. You wanna read about the NHL playoffs. Well, go ahead. I’m sure you can find tens of thousands of stories about last night’s games in less than a second. But this is the only place your ever gonna get this story, and I’m the only fucker who can tell it.

I’m the only one who can tel it, in the written form, because – while there were a couple thousand people who witnessed it, or were involved in it – I’m the only one who is literate enough to write about it (we are talking about hockey players and fans, after all, n’est-ce pas?).

I was playing Junior, in Manitoba. Tier II Junior A. The Snow Lake Spartans. It was 1982. We had the worst team in the history of Junior hockey. We had no business being in a Junior A league. Junior C, maybe.

Snow Lake is so small it doesn't even appear on the map of Manitoba. It is located about halfway between Thompson and Flin Flon, approximately 500 miles north of Winnipeg

Snow Lake is so small it doesn’t even appear on the map of Manitoba. It is located about halfway between Thompson and Flin Flon, approximately 500 miles north of Winnipeg. Or maybe it’s not even there anymore.

We were contenders at the start of the year. Then the price of copper dropped horribly. Snow Lake, you may have guessed, is a copper mining town. The team lured players by getting them jobs in the mine. When the bottom dropped out of the precious metals market, half our team packed their bags and went home. I wasn’t going home. I didn’t give a fuck about job. In fact, I didn’t even take job when it was offered to me. Me and job don’t care much for each other.

So, it was me, a couple Indians from Sioux Lookout and a bunch of homeboys, some of whom were pretty damned good. Some. Like… one of them. The rest were bums. Including our goalie, who was 14 years old. Back then, Junior hockey started at 17. If you were real good, you might make a team at 16. Not even Gretzky played Junior at 14. Our goalie was 14. The last line of defence behind a very porous blueline.

Seriously, we sucked. A good midget team would have kicked our asses

No, no, not that kind of midget, you ignorant, racist Mairkans. Midget is the last age division before Jumior

No, no, not that kind of midget, you ignorant, racist Mairkans. Midget is the last age division before Jumior

A bunch of girls could have beaten our asses, especially if they looked like this!

hockey babe

Even these guys could have stomped us

sled hockey

Our goalie, the little fucker, was… well, a little fucker. He was under five foot.

peewee

Even for a kid, that was short. And he wasn’t good enough t be playing Bantam A, never mind Junior A. But he was a keener. And we had no choice. Coach asked if anyone wanted to put the pads on and get between the pipes.  We were averaging about 75 shots against, per game, by then. Coach got no takers.

We were in The Pas. The Huskies had already pumped about a hundred shots on the poor kid by the end of the second period. The kid only let in a dozen or so goals, but his entrance into the dressing room was something like this

The Huskies scored two more in the first minute of the third. Coach Baird, a hometown boy,

baird

threw his hands up in the air and ordered the kid to come to the bench. For his own protection.  We didn’t have a backup goalie. It didn’t matter; Ken Dryden could not have saved us.

dryden

Fuckin’ H E Double Hockey Styx, Jesus Fucking Christ could not have saved us.

jesus goalie

The Huskies’ coach laughed. The fucker was falling down laughing behind his bench. When he ordered his goalie to the bench, the whole arena burst into laughter.

The officials conferenced. They scratched their heads. They determined that there was nothing in the rules necessitating the use of goalies in a game. They dropped the puck.

We lost 24 – 8.

It was like playing pond hockey! There wasn’t a single fight in the third period. If a junior game went a period without a fight in those days, it was a sure sign that the apocalypse was nigh. The Lost Tribes of Israel must be gathering in the parking lot outside the rink. The ref was turn into a Sasquatch. The The menstrual blood of  unbaptized virgins was going to stream out of the Zamboni.

zamboni blood

There. That wasn’t such a bad story, was it? It didn’t hurt you none, did it?  You’ll remember it long after you’ve forgotten all about last night’s games, won’t you?

Good. Now share it with your friends. If you do, I promise to come back with more yuks for y’all, yeah?

Let this be the last year of the NHL

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It’s one of the oldest jokes I know. Every hockey fan in Canada has heard at least as far back as when I was a kid, back in the 70s – You know it’s autumn when the Leafs are falling; you know it’s spring when the Leafs are out.

Bye bye Trawna.

leaf fairy

See you next year, losers.

Despite the fact that the only thing I like about Trawna is Rob Ford

ford shirt

I would like to see the Leafs make the playoffs a little more often. And fuck me dead! the last time a Canadian team won the cup was when my Habs beat the Gretzky Kings in 93. Gretzky’s Kings beat the Leafs in a semi final that went to seven games, depriving Canadians of a Habs/Leafs final.

habs kid punches leafs kid

There has not been an all Canadian Cup final since original six expansion in 68.

original six

12 teams

That sorry story has to change.

Yes, I do have a plan. My plan would mean that there would never be another all Canadian Cup final, but it would also mean that there will always be a 50/50 chance that there would be at Canadian team facing off for hockey’s Holy Grail.

But bear with me a minute, while I give y’all some background.

Between 68 (expansion past the original six) and 93, Canadian teams won the Stanley Cup 16 times.

68, 69, 71, 73, 76, 77, 78, 79, 86, 93

68, 69, 71, 73, 76, 77, 78, 79, 86, 93

84, 85, 87, 88, 90

84, 85, 87, 88, 90

89

89

In the same period, American teams won 10 cups.

In that time span Canadian teams lost in the finals twice.

82

82

83

83

Canadian teams won the Cup six straight years, from 86 to 90.

Since the Habs skated away with Lord Stanley’s silver chalice last, in 93,

habs 93

Canadian team,s have reached the finals only five times. Four of those five times, our champions broke our hearts n game seven (Canucks 94 and 11, Flames 04, Oilers 06 – the Sens lost to the Ducks in five games, in 07).

This year, the only Canadian team to make the playoffs are the Habs. Who will win the Cup this year. But, if I had my way, there would be four Canadian teams, including the Leafs, in this year’s playoffs. And there would be four Canadian teams in the playoffs every year.  And four American teams. And four Russian teams. And four European teams.

I first came up with this scheme when it was evident that the 05/05 lockout was coming to an end. Tampa Bay had beaten Calgary in the 04 finals,

I don't ever wanna see that filthy rodent laying his greasy claws on the stanley Cup ever again. I'd rather see him molesting children

I don’t ever wanna see that filthy rodent laying his greasy claws on the Stanley Cup again. I’d rather see him molesting children

before the relationship between owners and players got very cold and the ice melted.

The work stoppage created a fantastic opportunity to make significant improvements to what had become a god-awful product. And even with all the “improvements” invoked since hen, we are still stuck with the same mediocre, damn-near-impossible-to-follow league we had when the Lightning skated off the ice with the Stanley Cup.

The idea that a team from Tampa Bay could win the Stanley Cup is proof positive that the NHL has mutated into a creature that no hockey fan can understand. That Carolina and Anaheim have won it since gives me an aneurysm. The Tampa Bay – Calgary series was a great final only because Calgary was in it. But would anyone have watched so much as a period if Tampa Bay had played Nashville for the Cup? The answer to that question is FUCK NO!

Can any hockey fan get excited by the prospect of one day seeing Carolina playing Anaheim in the finals? How about Phoenix vs. Columbus? Doesn’t that give you goose pimples just thinking about it?

As can be said for many things in the world, the biggest problem with the NHL is Mairka.

To steal your shit, rape your women and kill you?

To steal your shit, fuck your women and kill you?

There are far too many teams in places they don’t belong.

Hockey is never gonna make it in markets where it has to compete with this for the attention of males in January

Hockey is never gonna make it in markets where it has to compete with this for the attention of males in January

That fact, more than even the neutral zone trap, has made an NHL season an eight-month borefest. If hockey is going to gain back its title as the world’s greatest game, radical steps have to be taken because expansion into places like Florida, California and Arizona has made the NHL the worst professional sports league in the world.

The solution is simple — scrap the NHL and start over. Create a truly International Hockey League by having a North American conference and a European conference. Twelve teams in each conference, two divisions of six within the conferences.

Kill off the Canucks (Vancouver isn’t really part of Canada, anyway. If you can’t, at noon on January 1, flood the main intersection of a town and play hockey an hour later, you’re not in Canada and you sure as Hell can’t do that in Raincouver). Move the Sens to Quebec City (The Battle of Ontario is a Herlequin Romance

battle of ontario

compared to the Battle of Quebec).

battle of quebec

Nuke all but Chicago, Detroit, New York (Rangers), Minnesota (make them the North Stars again), Colorado and Philadelphia south of the border.

(Yes, Boston fans, no more big, bad Bruins. What’s the point? They’re never going to beat the Habs in the playoffs again, anyway, so why bother?)

Six teams in Russia.

Plus Stockholm, Helsinki, Prague, Berlin, Munich, Zurich.

euro hockey

Another problem with the NHL is that there are too many games in a season. We don’t need 82 games.

The IHL season would be 68 games long. Each team plays its conference rivals twice at home and twice on the road, for a total of 44 conference games. All teams make one swing through the other continent, playing all 12 teams once.

This will create a genuine sense of expectation for each and every game for the home fans.

fight

sikhs

Wouldn’t fans be happier to shell out their money to see a team from mysterious and exotic St. Petersburg, Berlin or Prague than a bunch of lunch-buckets from Columbus, Dallas or Washington?

At the end of the 68-game season, four teams in each conference are eliminated. Canadian champs play the American champs for the right to contest the Stanley Cup against the European champs.

In the IHL, a Canadian team would do battle with a pack of hockey infidels from the good old U.S. of A.

Ice Hockey - Winter Olympics Day 14 - United States v Canada

for the honour of battling the champions of Europe for the greatest and most prestigious trophy in sport every year.

That’s drama, intrigue, rivalry, patriotism. That’s what can make this once great game great again.

And, even if the Canadian champions were to lose to the hated Americans once in a while, a final between Minnesota and Moscow is still going to be more compelling than a Florida- San Jose final.

Let’s face it, hockey fans, the NHL sucks. Hockey deserves better than the NHL. Hockey fans deserve better than the NHL. Hockey fans on both sides of the Atlantic deserve an International Hockey League.

 

Champions League explained for ignoid Mairkans

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Things are not going as I hoped in the Champions League.  I don’t really care, because I’m an Ajax fan,

ajax

and we never make it out of the group stage anymore.

Chelsea eliminated Paris St. Germain, and Real Madrid knocked out Borussia Dortmund on Tuesday.

For the sake of illuminating those of you who are wholly ignorant about how the UEFA Champions League works,

huh

let me give this brief explanation of the knockout stages, which start with the round of 16.

Two sides are pitted against each other. Two game series, each getting a home game. Win both and you’re through to the next round, obviously. But if both teams win a game, as was the case  with PSG vs Chelsea and Real vs Dortmund, most goals scored goes through. If both teams score an equal number of goals, the team that scored more away goals goes through.

huh

PSG was at home for the first game of their tussle with Chelsea. PSG won 3 – 1. Chelsea scored a second goal with just a few minutes to play on Tuesday, giving them a 2 – 0 victory. Both teams scored three goals in the two matches. But Chelsea goes through to the semis because they scored a goal in Paris, whereas PSG got shut out in London

huh

Real scored a 3 – 0 win at home last week against Dortmund. Dortmund beat Real 2 – 0 on Tuesday. One win each, but Real wins on aggregate 3 – 2. Had Borussia scored a third goal yesterday, they would have gone into extra time (overtime, but not sudden death overtime). Had the score remainedtied, they’d have gone to penalties (a shootout)

huh

Chelsea will face the winners of the Manchester United / Bayern Munich  showdown, and Real will go head to head with  either arch rival Barcelona, or current La Liga leaders Athletico Madrid. Those semi finals slots will be filled today, when Man u travel to Munich and Barcelona head to Madrid for the second legs of their clashes.

huh

Man U managed a 1 – 1 draw against Bayern. Barca and Athletico also payed to a 1 – 1 stalemate.

So… oh, never mind, you stupid Mairkans. Go back to watching baseball and come back in a couple weeks,when the semis start, and I’ll attempt to learn y’all some more ’bout football.

huh

 

Too short, too fat, too white to give a fuck about basketball

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I’ve just watched the NCAA basketball championships game. I’ve already forgotten who won.

yukon huskies

I just don’t give a fuck about basketball.  It’s not that I am not in awe of the physical grace of the players, because I am. As I am with world class athletes in all sports. But I’m a short, fat white guy – 5’9″, 200 lbs. – so basketball is a sport played by an alien species.

alien basketball

This is the first time I’ve watched a basketball game since the 1988 NCAA final. Kansas vs Oklahoma.

kansas over sooners

I had to look up who it was that played Kansas. I remembered that the Jayhawks won, but had no recollection of the Somers being their opponents. Which is kinda strange, ’cause I’ve been a Sooners football fan since the early 70s. Like I say, I just don’t give a fuck about basketball.

I was hitchhiking back to my home in Vancouver, after visiting a high school friend in LA. It was a Monday, of course. I was somewhere in Northern California. Might have been Southern Oregon. It was a pretty, little podunk town.

podunk oregon

It was kinda hot. Hot for March, to a young man from frozen Cannuckistan.

I was in no hurry. I had all the time i the world. I had a year of Unemployment Insurance coming to me, after spending a Hellish year working for the railroad in my shithole hometown. I’d gone back home after my brother blew his head off with a 44 magnum. No, that doesn’t have anything to do with basketball. I’m just trying to keep this interesting for y’all while I make up the rest of this one in my head.

I was thirsty.

Mighty thirsty.

I stumbled out of the sun and into a smokey little tavern around 5 PM. That’s a bit early to start getting your drink on, but I could knock back 50 or 60 of those piss-water Mairkan beers in those days, so why the fuck not?

cat piss

So long as I stayed away from the whisky, I’d be okay. So long as I stayed away from the whisky and didn’t start talking politics, I’d be okay.

At half time I was bored shitless, so I started drinking whisky. And talking politics. Or trying to. They boys kept pointing at the TV and telling me to shut the fuck up. So I did.

makers

I tried playing basketball in high school. I didn’t suck. I was good enough to make the team, but we were all a bunch of short white guys. I wasn’t fat back them. I was, in fact, an outstanding athlete. Captain of my hockey, football and baseball teams. But basketball made no sense to me.

Basketball season started after football season. We were already a couple months into hockey season. I just could not make the adjustment to a non-contact sport.

basketball homos

My basketball career came to an abrupt and ugly end about three or four games into the season. Dude charged in from my flank and tried to cut around me for a lay-up. When he left his feet, I hit him with a hip check. That poor motherfucker splattered all over the paint. One of his teammates tried to get in my face. I one-punched him into next week. It was like Kermit Washingtom vs Rudy Tonjanovich. Boom boom out go the lights!

kermit washingtn

Coach kicked me off the team. I didn’t give a fuck. The outdoor rinks had just opened, so I had something better to do after school.

I’ll bet that I was not the only one, here in Yugoslavia, who was up ’til 5 AM watching the game this morning. Yugoslavia was a big basketball country.

yugo basket

I understand there are all sorts of Yugoslavians playing in the NBA. And you get the odd Mairkan playing in the domestic league here. I met one of them about a year ago.

Dude was about six foot. Black. There are no black dudes in Yugoslavia. When you see one, you know he’s either here to play football, or to play basketball. I ran into this dude at a bar. We were both sitting by ourselves. He was the only guy who stood out from the crowd more than I do, with my Viking mane or red/blond hair.

viking hair

I asked where he was from. Missouri.

I knew he was here to play basketball and asked him how his season was going. He said it was okay. I asked how he was enjoying life in Yugoslavia. He said he was really enjoying it. I don’t doubt it. Next to the Sudanese, Montenegrins are the tallest people in the world. Lots of 6 foot tall drop dead gorgeous girls here. I’m sure the brother was up to his foul line in Glamazons.

black on white

He can have all of them,. I prefer my girls 5’2″ and under.

tall girl

He told me something I already knew. That the people are very friendly. I laughed, “They all want to have their pictures taken with you, right?” He smiled. They did.

I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it’s because he’s black, not because he’s some kind of star.

jordan

Well, that’s it. That’s all I got for you. Hey, if you’re reading this because you’re a basketball fan, you weren’t gonna learn anything from my ignorant ass, anyway. And it ain’t like your paying to read this nonsense.

I don’t think I;ll be writing about basketball again for another  – let’s see, 1988 to 2014- for another 26 years. I’ll be 76 then. Probably drooling all over myself. Hands to crippled to type. I’ll have to yell at you, “Hey! Sonny. you wanna hear some basketball stories. I was hitchhiking back from LA….”

The Los Angeles Expos?

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Why were there 20 or more guys wearing Expos jerseys at the Dodgers/Giants game in LA on Sunday night?

Expos fans at  a Blue Jays game

Expos fans at a Blue Jays game

As the Dodgers were coming to the plate for their half of the 8th, the camera panned across  a mob of who were obviously having themselves a good time. If they were from La Belle province, they must have swilled at least 20 of those piss waters you Yanks call beer to be as drunk as they looked to be.

It was ESPN’s Sunday night game of the week, a national broadcast. The play-by-play guys were as puzzled as I was, but they instantly mentioned the fact that there is a serious push underway in Montreal to  get an MLB franchise back. The ESPN guys told viewers that the Blue Jays and Mets held a two game series in Montreal on the last weekend before the season started. Those two games drew 96,000 paying customers.

I lived in Montreal for two years and have been a Habs fan since I was 2 years old, which would have been back in 1965. So, I listen to a lot of Montreal sports talk radio – TSN 690 to be exact – and I have been following the campaign with great interest.

My first thought is that the people behind the campaign are running a PR campaign that includes buying tix and jerseys for people to attend ESPN’s Sunday night games, which get the largest TV audience possible because the network has a deal with the league that assures there is only one game played on Sunday nights. Maybe locals are the lucky ones, or maybe they’re even paying all expanses trips for a lot of lucky Montreal dudes.

That’s pure conjecture on my part, at this point, but I’m gonna link this post in an email to the pushers and see what they have to say about it all. FYI, here’s the official site of The Montreal Baseball Project.

I didn’t see any Expos jerseys in the stands in San Diego during last Sunday night’s game, but it’s hard to see the cheap seats from my post in Yugoslavia. But maybe, if this really is a concerted effort t get their cause into the minds of baseball fans, it’s not improbable that our intrepid heroes choose to start it up in LA. The Dodgers, after all, dealt the Expos their most crushing defeat in the history of the franchise, on Blue Monday

expos

October 18, 1981. It was game five of the National League Championship series. That was back when the LCS were best of five affairs. It was the only years the Expos made it into the post season. The game was tied at one going into the 9th. The Expos had two out when… no, I’;m not even gonna tell the story. If you wanna know, read about it here, and/or watch this

I remember Blue Monday oh so well. It was my last year of high school. It was an afternoon game. I skipped school to watch the game at home with my old man.

My Vice Principal, who hated me and wanted badly to kick me out of school, called my house to ask if anyone knew where I was. My old man was having a few beer, as was I. The old man took the call and told Freddy that we were watching the game and drinking beer. He made it clear that we were not to be bothered. Apparently, Freddy didn’t like that and connived to keep the old man on the phone. The old man ripped Freddy’s head off and said that he was gonna make it known to his boss, the principal, whose kid I’d played hockey with for four years, that we did not appreciate being harassed, especially not by a Nancy Boy who would be drinking beer and watching the game himself  if he were any kind of man, or even a Canadian woman. The old man then hung up the phone, opened the fridge, grabbed acouple more cold ones for us, and returned to the living room to watch what ended in tragedy.

Okay, enough of the Memory Lane stuff.

When it occurred to me that the 20 Expos fans at Dodger Stadium might be there at the behest f the Expo faithful, I though, “Brilliant!” But will thye have the balls to do that when the Sunday night game is in Tampa Bay, at this point one of the most likely candidates for a repatriation bid? No, I thought. The league would not appreciate that. Too pushy.

But, I have been informed, by the mastermind behind this site, that Quebec Nordiques fans have turned up, en masse, at NY Islanders games (the Isles being one of the most likely candidates for relocation). As many as 5000 at one game, I am told.

nords

 

Well, well, well, isn’t that interesting? So, yeah, why not send Expos fans to every Sunday night game this year. It;s a small expense compared to the hundreds of millions that are going to have to be flushed out if the Expos are to return to Montreal.

On Sunday, August 24, the Blue Jays host the Tampa Bat Rays. At present, first pitch is scheduled for 1:07 PM. But ESPN has yet to announce what game they will air on August 24. Their announced schedule only goes sup until July 20. I assume that ESPN has the power to move games into the Sunday night slot, the same way NBC does with the NFL Sunday night game. So, it’s not impossible that the Jays/Rays August 24 game could be moved .

That would open the door for thousands and thousand of Expos fans to invade Trawna and tell Mairka that we want our team back. It would behoove the Jays to play along, maybe even give out free Expos jerseys to everyone in attendance. Montreal vs Trawna is the most natural rivalry in the world, no matter what the sport.

The Jays, however, are owned by Rogers, one of Canada’s big three telecoms. If the Expos are t return to Montreal, Bell, another of those three massive Canadian telecoms, just might be the ones to bring them back. Would Rogers and its Jays play along on this one if it helps its biggest rival? Hard to imagine, but you just never know. The plot thickens!

Or maybe this is all just nonsense, the product of an overactive imagination.

One thing I do know for sure – the guys behind the Montreal Baseball Project are, as I write, lining up at polling stations to vote in Quebec’s provincial electin. They are encouraging all Expos fans to get out and vote for the federalist Liberal party, because if the separatist Parti Quebecois get a majority there will be another independence referendum , and that will but the kibosh on any dream of seeing the Commissioners Trophy in Montreal one day

Of acrobats and thieves

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Kenny Reiter wwas kung fu fighting for the UMD Bulldogs when they kicked the living puck out of the fFrozen Four field in 2011

Kenny Reiter was kung fu fighting for his UMD Bulldogs when they kicked the living puck out of the Frozen Four field in 2011 to win it all

I just heard hockey goalies described as breakdancing ninjas. That’s GOOD!

Wish i’d come up with that one. Guess i’ll have to do the next best thing – steal it

banksy steals

Ich bin ein Dortmunder

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I know all you Mairkans are an ignorant lot, so if you don’t understand that headline up there, substitute Berliner for Dortmunder and Google it. You’ll see it was one of yours who said those words and made them famous.

I find myself cheering for Borussia Dortmund in the Champions League, as of today.

borussia

Not because I am a Dortmund fan, but because I hate the Bumblefucks.

Bumblefucks? I renamed Great Britain, Bumblefuck, when I lived in London, for two very long years, in the late 90s.  I’ll spare y’all the long and entertaining tirade as to why I have such contempt for the Bumblefucks for now, but trust me, my reasons are valid and my disdain runs deep.

The Champions League quarter finals brackets are set up such that Dortmund is the only German team that can beat either of the Bumblefuck teams, Chelsea or Manchester United, in the final.

Chelsea and Man U are in the same bracket, along with Paris St. Germain and Bayern Munich.

Dortmund, obviously, are in the other bracket, along with the three Spanish entries, Real Madrid, Barcelona and Athletico Madrid.

As much as I hate the Bunblefucks, I want to see one Bumblefuck team get to the final because their fans will be far more crushed by losing in the final, than they will if they bow out prior to. And they will be far more crushed if they lose to a German side than they will if the lose to Spaniards.

The Bumblefucks still love to hate on the Germans over WW II. They will never let it go.  Fortunately, they’ve managed to develop a bit of a sense of humour about it all, as you can see if you watch this brilliant clip from Fawlty Towers (yes, you do want to watch this, it’s John Cleese, from Monty Python, and it’s only two minutes long… right, off you go and come back laughing).

The Bumblefucks are usually trampled underfoot when they come up against German opposition on the footy pitch, and that makes the Limeys nuts.  Whenever a German side plays a Bumblefuck side in footy, the London tabloids are filled with vitriolic diatribes about the evil Nazis. If they meet on Bumblefuck soil, the stands are filled with drunken yobs sporting Hitler moustaches

tabs

What makes this even more pathetic, and thus funnier, is that the Germans mostly don’t care about the alleged rivalry. The Germans have always considered the Dutch their greatest football rivals. And that makes the Bumblefucks even more insanely mad, which makes it all that much funnier.

Manchester United plays current German Champion Bayern Munich on Tuesday night. Man U is the most valuable sporting franchise in the world. In January 2013, the club became the first sports team in the world to be valued at $3 billion. Forbes Magazine valued the club at $3.3 billion – $1.2 billion higher than the next most valuable sports team.

In the past 20 years they have won  the English Premier League 12 times.  But in that same period they have only won the Champions League twice – in 99 over Bayern Munich, and in 08 over Chelsea.

The Reds are having an awful season on the domestic front. They stand 7th in the league tables, so it’s highly unlikely they will even qualify for next season’s Champions League (the top four English clubs go through automatically).

The Reds have qualified for the Champions League a record 18 consecutive times, and their fans are gonna be plenty destroyed if they don’t find their way back to the Big Show next year. But all is not lost for Man U because Champions League winners automatically qualify for next year’s competition.

Should the Reds win it all this year, they will be given England’s fourth spot in next year’s Champions League at the expense of the fourth place team in England, which looks to be a bitter Reds rival, Arsenal. Man U fans would REJOICE.

pigs

Yes, he's cutting his ear off

Yes, he’s cutting his ear off

 

Bayern Munich wrapped up another Bundesliga title this year, their 24th, with seven matches left to play (they don’t have playoffs in footy). They are the defending Champions League champions and have gone undefeated in their past 53 games. Undefeated in 53 straight! Mind boggling.

It will be considered nothing less than a miracle if  Man U defeats Bayern. But if they do, and they go on to beat Chelsea, who sit second in the Premier League, in the semi finals, Reds fans will be mad with joy and oozing cockiness, especially if they play little regarded Borrussia, instead of mighty Barcelona or equally mighty Real Madrid.

I would love to see Dortmund crush Man U’s balls

gaza balls crushed

in Lisbon, on March 24.

Tuesday

Manchester United vs Bayern Munich

Barcelona vs Athletico Madrid

Wednesday

Borussia Dortmund vs Real Madrid

Chelsea vs Paris St. Germain

.

 

Who the fuck are you?

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A few minutes after I posted my latest blog, I get a notification that someone blogging under the name WINSPORTSBET is following me. Okay, that’s fine.

Then I am notified that my new follower has re-posted my latest blog. I’m not happy about that, whoever the fuck you are.

Look, I don’t mind having my stuff re-posted, but if you’re in this blogging game purely fr financial gain, WTF makes you think you can use my work to put some change in your pocket, WITHOUT EVEN ASKING ME?

Who the fuck do you think you are? What the fuck is wrong with you? How the fuck do I get a hold of your mother, so I can ask her if she raised you to be an asshole, or if you were born that way.

Killers vs the Dead on the diamond?

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I’m watching the first Sunday night baseball game of the season. Padres vs Dodgers in San Diego.

The padres are wearing camo tops

padres

If there’s one thing I can’t stand about sports, especially big league Mairkan sports, it’s how much military bullshit gets shoved into the picture. Never a word about how vets are constantly being fucked over.

The Giants are rolling into San Diego on Friday, April 18, for a three game series, which icludes a Sunday game. I’d love to see the Giants represent the other side of this nonsense by wearing tie dye

tie dye

Soldiers vs hippies. A promotion that no minor league team would dare to touch!

Can’t say I am overly fond of soldiers or hippies, so it would be hard to cheer for either team, but it would be a must watch all the same.

Alas, that ain’t gonna happen until Bill Spaceman Lee becomes Commissioner,

lee

and that ain’t gonna happen ’til I appoint him, from my seat in the Oval Office, after Canada invades and conquers Mairka.