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A Petition to:

Team Canada, Prime Minister Stephen Harper, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth

To the fortunate and fabulous 23 who will have the unparalleled honour of wearing the maple leaf, between February 16 and February 28, 2010, while doing battle with the infidels of the hockey world; whose duty it will be to vanquish said infidels and dispatch them back from whence they dared to come to Canada, on skates with crooked sticks in their hands and fear in their hearts, back to frozen ponds across the northern hemisphere of planet Earth; we the undersigned citizens of Canada, beseech thee do whatever thee must, even if it means resorting to old-school Bobby Clarke/Mark Messier hockey, to restore Canada’s honour by capturing the Gold Medal in the Vancouver 2010 Winter Olympics.

To you, who have so much, please understand that we, your humble fellow Canadians who have so little, some of whom have only hockey, will revere you as nothing less than Gods when, not if, but when you crush whatever ragtag band of infidels, from whatever nation of hockey pretenders, earns the misfortune of facing off against you, and us, for Gold on Canadian ice.

Understand, please, all of you, that when you win the Gold we will mount a campaign, the likes of which have never before been seen in the history of politics, to have Her Majesty’s Government in Ottawa bestow upon you the following rightful honours:

  • your hometowns will be renamed for your God-like selves
  • like Her Majesty herself, you will enjoy complete immunity, for life, from prosecution for any crimes you desire to commit, up to and including double parking
  • the long longed-for national holiday in February will be granted; every February 28 Canadians will gather to consume copious quantities of frothy beverages and sing folk songs about your glorious victory
  • all frothy beverages consumed on that national holiday shall, by law, come from two-fours and each bottle shall bear the image and name of one of you, with the 24th bottle bearing the image and name of coach Babcock
  • the holiday shall be named for whomsoever scoreth the winning goal
  • whomsoever gaurdeth the net on that fateful day shall become Prime Minister, for the day, every February 28
  • should that tender of the goal achieve a shutout on that immortal day, he shall also hold the post of Prime Minister every February 29

Any Member of Parliament foolish enough to attempt to resist our desires and not agreeing to the above demands shall be chased into the Rideau Canal where they will spend the rest of their days incessantly groveling for clemency for their heresy.

However, we also beseech thee listen and understand that, should you fail in Vancouver, your family members will be forced to change their names and you will be striped of Canadian citizenship and banished to Greenland, where you will live out your tenure on this mortal coil residing in igloos, subsisting off raw walrus meat and husky cheese, repelling attacks from polar bears and reindeer and playing bandy against the Eskimos..

Just so you know where we stand.

Now… go get ‘em, guys!

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