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December 18, 2003

Note to Paul Martin: stop grovelling to Dubya in the hope that he’ll change his half-mind and let Canadian companies bid on reconstruction work in Iraq. It’s embarrassing. And don’t you dare tell Dubya that we will, forever more, do as we’re told, without question. That’s worse than embarrassing. That would be treasonous.

Mr. Prime Minister, sir, you have an option. After consulting with Generalissimo Jesus Octavio de la Hoya Frijole Guacamole Batista, El Presidente (for life) of the Popular Front for the Capitalist Liberation of Cuba (PFCLC), we have come up with a better idea. Our idea would, at the same time, financially benefit our country, shock and awe the world, gain us the respect and admiration that our collective national insecure heart so desperately desires and set the stage for Canada to become a 21st century imperialist superpower. To Hell with Iraq – let’s invade Cuba!

Since Uncle Sam will not have contributed to the important crusade to strangle one of the last breaths out of that brain-dead abomination known as communism, ‘mairkan companies will be left out of the building of capitalist Cuba. It will be ours! All ours! Bwa hahahahahaha!

The PFCLC High Command (and, since they are bunkered in a Forest Lawn crack shack, I do mean high command) has it from impeccable sources (and I do mean impeccable – her name is Lola, she’s a showgirl at a Havana nightclub and just happens to be a third cousin of dead British weapons expert Dr. David Kelly), that Fidel Castro is harbouring at least as many weapons of mass destruction as were discovered in Saddam Hussein’s hole in the ground on December 13 (God damn, didn’t he look awful? I’ve lived at the bottom of holes all my life and don’t look half as bad as Saddam did after just six months).

The international community will be absolutely stunned by this bold and cunning move and will, in fact, be so gobsmacked as to be rendered speechless. Aside from a handful of Hollywood celebrities and supermodels – such as Jack Nicholson, Steven Spielberg, Naomi Campbell and Kate Moss (none of whom seem to care about the Cuban dictator’s horrific human rights record) – nobody likes Castro.

In mid September a letter was published in the London Telegraph which stopped just short of calling for Castro to be overthrown. The three authors of that letter were all once imprisoned by freedom-hating communist despots and all three of them went on to become presidents of their countries – Vaclav Havel (former Czechoslovakia), Lech Walesa (Poland) and Arpad Goncz (Hungary). I have no doubt that, when Canada deposes the old Cuban communist tyrant, Imre Nagy and Alexander Dubcek will be high-fiving each other in Heaven.

The PFCLC has studied John F. Kennedy’s pathetic Bay of Pigs invasion in 1961 and, after they stopped laughing themselves silly, came up with a foolproof plan for the invasion… er, liberation. First, we fire up all of our prehistoric Sea King helicopters and load tens of thousands of beavers into them. The Sea Kings appear in the sky over Cuba like a plague of locusts and the beavers parachute onto enemy soil. The Godless commies will be perplexed at the sight of helicopters older than their cars actually being able to fly. At first, they will be wildly amused by the site of our giant buck-toothed rodents, but when the beavers start to destroy the Cuban sugar crop, the military will be called in. That’s when we invade! Element of surprise! Gotcha! (This will not be the first time in history a country has been crushed because its military was busy chasing beaver)

Of course, the PFCLC are not the only ones lusting after Cuba. Miami is full of Cubans who have been waiting for Fidel to choke on a cigar for more than 40 years and those Miami Cubans have a lot of money, boats and weapons. Our navy is incapable of fighting off thousands of cocaine-crazed Miami Cubans in cigar boats, armed with all manner of automatic weapons. And it goes without saying that our land-based troops will be blind, legless drunk and suffering from third-degree sunburns within minutes of the Cubans’ surrender. That being the case, perhaps we’d better rethink this one. OK… got it!

Castro knows Uncle Sam is coming the minute he drops dead and the idea of falling to the hated Yanks is totally unacceptable to him. The only way for Cuba to avoid becoming the 51st state is for it to become the 11th province. We will all have a nice warm place to collect EI and the ‘mairkans will have to pay us gobs of money to, literally, pound sand on our beaches. When the Miami Cubans come in their Cigar boats, waving their Uzis, Glocks and AKs, the ‘mairkan military will be forced to protect us from their renegade, lunatic citizens. If Uncle Sam decides to invade us we can invoke the NATO treaty – which states that an attack against one, is an attack against all – and all other NATO countries will come to our rescue.

Sir Wilfrid Laurier once said, “the 20th century belongs to Canada,” which just goes to show how stupid Liberals are. Mr. Prime Minister, don’t be a stupid Liberal. It is the 21st century that belongs to Canada and the world is ours for the taking, starting with Cuba. The duty falls to you, sir. The capitalist liberation of Cuba is your place in the history books and our place in the sun.

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