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SCRIPTS

An excerpt from my screenplay KILL ALL THE LAWYERS

Scene 28                     Akecheta at Jawjaw

Akecheta pulls into Jawjaw parking lot. Parks. Does not use valet. Walks in

BERT

Hi. Is this your first time at Jawjaw?

AKECHETA

No, I know how it works. Is the smartist here today?

BERT

I saw him earlier but I  have no idea if he’s still here

AKECHETA

Thanks

Bert picks up the phone, calls Pablo

BERT

The guy who just walked in is looking for you

PABLO

Thanks

Akecheta looks around, finds a conversation marked GOD IS DEAD?, makes his way to that table. Pablo rewinds the tape of Akecheta entering until he gets his license plate. Runs the plate, gets the name Pius Akecheta. Googles him – Captain, NYPD homicide. Raises eyebrow. Starts to listen in on Akecheta’s table

FEMALE1

How did Jesus find 11 guys named Peter, Paul, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Billy Bob etc. in the Middle East? Judas, I can believe, but the rest? C’mon

MALE 1

Seriously. He has a better chance of meeting 12 dwarves named Dori, Nori, Ori, Oin, Gloin, Biffer, Boffer, Bombur, Fili, Kili, Balin, Dwalin and Thorin

AKECHETA

That’s thirteen

MALE 1

Whatever

MALE 2

And a whore named Mary?

FEMALE 1

And a whore named Mary!

MALE 2

I lived in Israel for 12 years and I never once met a whore named Mary

AKECHETA

It’s a sad commentary that you can rattle off the names of Bilbo’s dwarf buddies but don’t know the names of the apostles.

FEMALE 1

Ha! We’ve got a live one!

MALE 1

C’mon then, Jesus, answer the question

AKECHETA

I’ll thank you to not call me Jesus. The names were Anglicized when the New Testament was translated into English. Mark and Luke were not apostles

MALE 1

Who were they, then?

AKECHETA

They wrote the Gospels, along with Matthew and John, who were apostles

FEMALE 3

But the names Matthew, Mark, Luke and John did not become associated with the Gospels until the second century, and the true identities of the authors has always been both in dispute and controversial

MALE 1

So, no one really knows who wrote the Bible. If Christians can’t even get that story right, how can they dare to make a claim that their God crated Earth?

AKECHETA

If God did not create the Earth, who did?

Cut to Pablo back in his office, He’s playing with Salvador while listening to Akecheta’s table

Cut to a time lapse of Akecheta’s table arguing until Amanda, the ugly babe waitress comes to the table

Cut to Akecheta’s table

MALE 1

What do you think, Amanda?

AMANDA

I think that instead of fighting over who created the planet, you should be fighting those who are destroying it

MALE 1

Amen, sister

Akecheta looks at his watch and gets up

AKECHETA

It’s been fun, kids. But you’re all sinners and blasphemers. Do a good deed or two in your lives and Jesus will absolve you of your sins.

Cut to Pablo, who raises an eyebrow.

Cut back to table

MALE 1

A Christian who preaches karma.  Will the miracles never end?

FEMALE 2

C’mon, leave him alone

MALE 1

You’re right. I’ve been a bit hard on him. I’m sorry, Jesus.

AKECHETA

No, no, I’m sorry

MALE 1

You’re sorry?

AKECHETA

Yeah… sorry you’re so fucking stupid

Cut to Pablo, who is chuckling. Pablo switches to his computer screen. Goes to the NY State Courts website. Enters Akecheta’s name. Finds his divorce case. Sets Google alerts for AKECHETA and his lawyer, Alphonso Murillo

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